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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY PRESENTS: NSArtisanal SMALL BATCH DATA COLLECTION

WASHINGTON D.C.—For over 15 years, the National Security Agency has been the name in large-scale extrajudicial metadata collection, annually taking in millions of terabytes of information from U.S. citizens’ personal phone calls without being compelled to obtain warrants or writs of any kind.

But we at the NSA feel as though we’ve gotten away from our humble beginnings of constitutionally circumspect spying. Which is why we’re proud to present to you NSArtisanal Small Batch Data Collection — a more hands-on, personalized approach to data collection.

NSArtisanal Small Batch Data Collection is the natural reaction to the cookie-cutter, smash-and-grab collection of any and all personal phone call data from private citizens to which we’ve all become far too accustomed. Our new premium method of violating your privacy boasts a certain selectiveness, attention to detail, and an eye toward precision; in other words, treating each individual we surveil as the unique, made-to-order investigation it is.

Going forward, our specially trained agents will gather only the finest hand-selected, domestically sourced metadata to use against you in federal court.

Because we are now required to obtain a subpoena to gain access to information from wireless providers and have thus been forced to vastly scale down our programs, we can now focus on quality over quantity and give much more careful scrutiny to each data collection we undertake; to really pore over every single call you’ve ever made and dissect every single word you’ve ever said to anyone over the phone; in short, to focus more on you.

It’s data collection for the discerning, quality-minded citizen, if that citizen actually had any say in the matter.

So please enjoy NSArtisanal Small Batch Data Collection. When we kick in your door in the dead of night, we think you’ll appreciate the one-of-a-kind case we’ve built against you.

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