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“GOVLOV.COM”

By Michael Lake

 

(OPEN ON: A PARK. A YOUNG WOMAN IS SWINGING ON A SWINGSET BY HERSELF)

 

    GIRL 1 

I was tired of being single. I hadn’t been on a date in months. The right guy was just nowhere to be found. But then, with the click of a mouse, it all changed.

 

(CUT TO: A STUDIO. A SPOKESMAN IN A SUIT AND TIE SPEAKS TO THE CAMERA)

 

SPOKESMAN

Are you looking for love in all the wrong places? Having trouble getting any? Have you ever literally been confused for a horse? No matter how ugly or beautiful you may be, we’ve got the guy for you. Welcome to GovLov.com!

 

(SUPER: “GOVLOV.COM”)

 

SPOKESMAN (CONT'D)

The site where we match you up with the corrupt former government official of your dreams.

 

(CUT BACK TO: THE PARK. THE GIRL HOLDS UP HER PHONE)

 

GIRL 1 

I filled out my information, and within MINUTES recently resigned Member of Congress Anthony Weiner tweeted me a photo of HIS wiener! Wow!

 

(ANTHONY WEINER ENTERS)

(SUPER: ANTHONY WEINER)

 

ANTHONY WEINER

You’re welcome.

 

(CUT TO: ANOTHER GIRL TALKING TO CAMERA)

 

GIRL 2

I work a lot of evenings. With so little time to date, I needed the perfect guy, who was in to the same sort of things that I was!

 

(PAN OUT TO REVEAL: SHE IS A STRIPPER HOLDING ONTO A POLE)

 

GIRL 2 (CONT'D)

Thanks to GovLov, I know that I’ve found him.

 

(PAN OUT FURTHER TO REVEAL: ELIOT SPITZER THROWING DOLLAR BILLS AT HER)

 

(SUPER: ELIOT SPITZER)

 

GIRL 2 (CONT'D)

He even comes to see me at work! All the time! Eliot, you’re the best!

 

ELIOT SPITZER

No problem, sweetheart! Make it r-a-a-a-in!

 

(CUT BACK TO: THE STUDIO)

 

SPOKESMAN

GovLov.com is slowly amassing quite the impressive list of former politicians who would love to go on a date with you. Or tweet you a photo of their junk, or whatever.

 

(ANTHONY WEINER AND ELIOT SPITZER ENTER)

 

ANTHONY WEINER

Hi. I’m Anthony Weiner. Until very recently, I was the U.S. Representative of New York’s 9th Congressional District.

 

ELIOT SPITZER

And I’m disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Ha! New York, baby!

 

SPOKESMAN

You may be wondering, "Why would these guys WANT to be involved with a website like this?"  

 

ANTHONY WEINER

It’s fun.

 

ELIOT SPITZER 

I don’t have a lot going on at the moment!

 

SPOKESMAN

See, when a politician gets involved in a sex scandal, their career in politics is definitely over.

 

ANTHONY WEINER

Like when I accidentally tweeted that awesome photo of my wang. Or my X-rated Facebook messages with a Vegas blackjack dealer surfaced.

 

ELIOT SPITZER

Literally DOZENS of woman only know me as Client Number 9. Not even the Governor. Could've used that to my advantage in hindsight!

 

SPOKESMAN

But even if they’re forced to resign, that shouldn’t mean your government should stop working for you. Weiner or Spitzer would be GLAD to go on a "date" with you, whenever you want. 

 

ANTHONY WEINER

I’ll send you a photo of my wiener. Any time you like. But only if you want me to.

 

(CUT TO WHITE: SCROLL TEXT)

 

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

GovLov.com is the number one online reference that will set you up with a crazy, sexy, sex-crazed former politician. Sign up today! I hope you’re ready to get boned! Get this – it’s free! No hidden fees! No paper trail!

(CUT BACK TO: THE STUDIO)

 

ELIOT SPITZER

In some cases, we’ll even pay YOU!

 

SPOKESMAN

And new to GovLov.com, it’s not just politicians seeking your company anymore. We’re making our way to your school!  
 

 (CUT TO: A SCHOOL LIBRARY. A GIRL SITS AT A DESK WITH A HUGE PILE OF BOOKS) 
 

GIRL 3 
I'm just so busy with my studies. I don't think I could EVER find the time to date. 

 

 

(THE SPOKESMAN ENTERS)

 

SPOKESMAN

That’s alright! Did you know that Chris Garcia of the University of New Mexico runs a prostitution ring? David Flory of the Farleigh Dickinson University in New Jersey is way into prostitutes as well!

 

(CHRIS GARCIA AND DAVID FLORY ENTER)

 

CHRIS GARCIA

You don’t need to do ANY work...

 

DAVID FLORY

 ...And we would still give you an A plus!


CHRIS GARICA
That caboose deserves an A plus. Mucho mucho mucho! 

 

(THEY ALL LAUGH. THE GUYS FLASH A WAD OF CASH)
 

SPOKESMAN

Looks like your tuition just got paid for!

(CUT BACK TO: THE GIRL ON THE SWINGSET)

 

GIRL 1 

Six months ago I was totally alone. I had no one to talk to except for my five cats!

 

ANTHONY WEINER

Wow. That’s a lot of pussy.

GIRL 1

Now, I’m fucking the future mayor of New York City!

 

(HE CLAPS A HAND ON HER SHOULDER)

 

ANTHONY WEINER

Well. We’ll see.

ANNOUNCER

GovLov is not just for girls, either. Live an alternative lifestyle, and just looking for the right guy to tickle your fancy? Do you remember former U.S. Representative Eric Massa? 

 

(CUT TO: WHITE. CERTAIN TERMS SCROLL ACROSS THE SCREEN: “NOT JUST FOR GIRLS”. “ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE”. “TICKLE YOUR FANCY”. “ERIC MASSA”)
 

 

(CUT TO: A GAY GUY BEING TICKLED BY ERIC MASSA, WHO IS WEARING A SNORKEL)

 

GAY GUY

(PLAYFULLY)

Eric, stop it! Stop it!

 

ERIC MASSA

(TO CAMERA)

I WORK FOR YOU!

 

 

(CUT TO: THE STUDIO. EVERYBODY IS GATHERED, GIVING A THUMBS UP TO CAMERA)

 

ALL

Thanks, GovLov!

 

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) 

Your government working for you. And you, working that booty for the government!

 

(OUT) 

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