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Published March 25, 2013

 

1. THE SMELL IN YOUR FRIENDS ROOM

We know it's there. We've all smelled it. Sometimes it's inside their entire house. I don't necessarily mean it's a bad or good smell…just a smell. You walk in to your buddies house thinking…it's sort of weird they've made tacos every night. They didn't make tacos once that week. That's their smell. They grew up there so they don't smell it. To you, walking in to their house is like that THX commercial with the speakers so loud the guy's hair is blowing back.

2. TIPPING THE WAITER/WAITRESS

It's common courtesy to give 14% or 15%. Do you do that? Not always. Does your friend do that? How would you know!? You don't ask. The only time I ever ask my buddy how much he tipped was when we got the same meal, had the same waitress, and therefore got the same service. It's very different when one of you gets a steak, the other gets a burger, they come at different times, the server is much more in to one of you. At the end of dinner you've gotta just dance around this subject going off hunches. 
"What did he tip…he's a good guy…maybe 14%? but the waiter was awful…I'm gonna give 13%." 
Finally you work up up the courage in the car outside to ask how much he tipped.
"15%. What about you?"
"Fuck."

3. ARE YOU PREGNANT OR ARE YOU JUST FAT?

"Holy shit that woman must be in her third trimester!"
"Nope she's just fat."
"No fucking way…she is preggers fo sho"
"No. And stop speaking like a rapper, white boy."

This is a conversation you'd gladly bring up with your buddies but never ask the women directly. It's been the subject of many movie scenes, tv antics, and so on. Is she pregnant…or is she fat? There are some women that stay skinny when they're pregnant. Not too much to say here except either way it's a gamble and their life is changing drastically. "Joey those are my pregnancy pants!" "Oh no these are my Thanksgivin' pants!"

4. WHAT YOU SAW ON YOUR KID'S FACEBOOK PAGE

"I fucking hate my parents! Fucking horrible people, and I want 2 die!"
Parents are able to read your facebook, 14 year-old Josh, sorry. You have 0 privacy. MSN? Forget about it. Now Facebook is also a publicly owned/traded company, you're pretty much fucked. You want to be a politician in 30 years? You're well on your way with that album titled "Beer Pong – Best Years of My Life". People will love that. This coming from the same person who joined the Facebook trend of making your profile picture your favourite Pokemon. Ha ha. I just laughed at that. Oh boy. Your parents read all. If they can't read your bad decisions on your face, they can read them when you elaborately post them as an attention-seeking status. Pop another pimple pre-pubescent pretty person. I'm Dr. Seuss. You're probably still reading Dr. Seuss if you act like this.

5. THAT LISTS ARE HARD TO MAKE

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