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October 03, 2014
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Grease is a terrible movie with a terrible message. Stay away.

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I finally saw that movie GREASE this week and BOY DOES IT SUCK.

I’m gonna go ahead and say it: If you let your kid watch Grease, you’re a bad parent. Straight up. Not like “your kids should be taken away from you” level bad, but at the very least social services should be called and know to keep an eye on you.

It’s hard enough to be a teen these days without reinforcing the astonishingly poor message behind Grease. Namely…

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THIS OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN CHARACTER?

So here’s a girl that starts out pretty chill. She’s good lookin’, she’s nice, she doesn’t drink. But apparently these are all the worst qualities to have if you’re looking to keep a man. First day of school this dude who dated her over the summer acts like she doesn’t even exist. Clearly, he’s a jerk and she’s better off without him, right? So you’re like “Oh, OK, this is a movie about a nice girl finding a boy more worthy of her wholesome charms. NOPE. IT’S ALL ABOUT HOW SHE CAN GET HIM BACK. For whatever reason, she just can’t get over John Travolta (a noted Hollywood coozehound if there ever was one). So what does Olivia Newton-John do for the guy? She changes everything she likes about herself, puts on clothes she’s uncomfortable in, and starts smoking cigarettes. You’d assume this is the midpoint of the film. “Oh, I’ve seen this before. She’s gonna realize she’s not being true to herself and go back.” But you’re wrong. THIS IS THE HAPPY ENDING.

It’s despicable! In the beginning of the movie you sing about staying out till 10 o’clock (an ungodly hour for a nice girl from I-forget-what-country-you’re-from) but by the end of the movie you’re just like, “IF MEN LIKE CIGARETTES THEN I DO, TOO!” Olivia Newton-John, what if John Travolta was into heroin instead? Would you have just shown up to that county fair with a buncha needles?!

I weep for your lack of self worth and I shudder to think of the message you’re sending to our nation’s kids (a nation, I might remind you, you’re a GUEST of).

But, honestly, though — this is just the first of several things I hated about Grease.

Like…

HOW COME RIZZO WAS 1,000 YEARS OLD?

I’m sorry but every time I flipped past this movie on cable, I assumed Rizzo was like a cool substitute teacher or something. One of the ones who’s like, “Students! Hold your tests in the air and rip them in half! Tell me the grade you DESERVE!” You can imagine my shock when I found out she was supposed to be a STUDENT.

I assume this was left over from some Never Been Kissed subplot they nixed at the last minute. Where she’s a reporter posing as a high school kid? And then she reveals herself and you’re like, “Um, yeah, Rizzo. We knew you weren’t a student. You’re like 50. We hung out with you cause you could buy beer.” THIS NEVER HAPPENED. Was it cut for time? Cause by the end of the movie, we’re still supposed to believe she’s a 17 year-old girl.

Remember that scene where she was so relieved to find out she wasn’t pregnant? Well, no shit, Rizzo. You went through “the change” 10 years ago. It would be way more shocking to find out by the grace of God you were pregnant. (And also super illegal ’cause you had sex with a teen and you, yourself, are a full-grown adult.) You being a teenage girl is the least believable part of this entire film and this is a movie where, at one point, a car inexplicably flies into the sky. Speaking of…

WHY DOES A CAR INEXPLICABLY FLY INTO THE SKY?!

I just — I mean, at least this is the final scene of the movie. Cause at this point I’m already like, “What could possibly happen next? Oh,a car soaring to Heaven? Fine.”

You guys, I can’t believe I need to explain this, but it’s 2014 and we’re still years away from flying cars. This movie takes place in the ’50s. Flying cars shouldn’t be anywhere near reality. Is this Rydell High or is it Hogwarts?

Let’s just say for argument’s sake a car CAN fly right off into the sky. I mean I guess if you can break into a song everyone inexplicably knows the lyrics to, a car could also defy gravity. BUT THEN WHY AREN’T JOHN TRAVOLTA AND OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN SCARED?! The car lifts up off the ground and into the clouds and they’re just like, “Oh, cool. This is fun. I don’t know how is this happening or how we’ll ever get down but let’s just ENJOY ourselves.”

By the end of the movie, they’re IN THE CLOUDS. Oxygen should now be a concern. Although I bet Olivia Newton-John WAS really scared, she just didn’t want to sound uncool. “I better pretend to enjoy this or else a boy might not like me…”Yeah GOD FORBID, Olivia.

And look, maybe I’m stuck on this scene but of every problem I have with this fucking terrible movie, here’s what bothers me the most:

JOHN TRAVOLTA, THAT ISN’T EVEN YOUR CAR.

That car belongs Kenickie. Not only does it belong to Kenickie but you and your friends made fun of him for buying it. You were all jokes and called it a hunk of junk AND THEN STOLE IT FROM HIM. He’s supposed to be your best friend but you and your girl just hopped inside and literally rode it into the sunset. To make it worse, you guys just smiled and waved to him as you drove off. Right in front of his fucking face! You were like “OK, this is mine now! Thank you for painting it and teaching me the ‘Greased Lightning’ dance! Bye, bitch!” At least do it in the cover of night!! This is broad fucking daylight. John Travolta, you’re a bad friend but an even worse robber.

So, yeah, I mean — fuck this movie. It’s so dumb. If you like it, you’re a bad person. Sorry.

Previously:
…the fuck was happening with Small Wonder
…the fuck was happening with the Tori episodes of Saved by the Bell

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