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June 23, 2017

Get that sweet sizzle with no expizzle. Money for nothing? That's something!

Hey junk wads, it’s your ol’ pal, De-Fresh Mode coming at you with a new Articlist ™ about how to take that old potato sack you fill with street treasures, and fill it instead with cold, wet MONEY. And I’m not talking pie in the sky BULL like youtube star, or trophy wife. These are 5 REAL jobs that you can do with NO EXPERIENCE and NO QUALIFICATIONS and make beau coup DOLLAR$$.

5. Staff Writer On A Network Show

I know what y'all are thinking, STAFF writer? For NETWORK? You, like many of us, probably have a killer idea for a series and are looking to show-run. On top of that, your project has too much tits and scrotum for uptight network affiliates. RELAX kimosabe (I can say that because I am NOT Native American), you’ll get your chance to be a show runner for a dope show about a white male comedian who can’t seem to get his love life to go right, but this is a great entry level job that pays mad money (SAG Minimum $75,000 for 20 weeks of work!!). After you work that for a season or two, you’ll have the cred necessary to get your passion project made, then you will be grabbin’ those GREENBACKS like Trump grabs America back to greatness, and this is a job you can DEFINITELY get because you are hilarious to your bros and everyone down at the co-working space/strip club where you do your writing.

4. Professional Musician

Legit ANYONE can do this job. ANYONE. Straight up, there is a girl named Poppy on Youtube that is signed to muther fuqing Interscope Records and all she does is say her name like a squirrel and dress like an extra from children of the corn. ANYONE can do this job, and the pay is Sublime. I’m told if you are pretty good looking (this only applies to women, dude musicians can be fugly and still marry Beyonce) and are willing to let a team of fifteen bassist/DJ’s from Nashville write your music for you, you can make millions! Granted not every musician is able to find their audience, but if some little girl named Poppy wearing doll clothes and spouting nonsense can get signed to a major label, you sure as shit should be able to. Also, it really does help to be hot (if you are female), which brings us to our next option…

3. Model

Professional Model is a little more exclusive than a musician because not everyone can do this job and legit ANYONE can be a professional musician. To make it as a model, you have to either be hot, or weird looking, but there is a small sub group of models who are pretty successful and no-one really thinks they are special looking. People often say it openly to their face in interviews and stuff, so as long as you are comfortable with more shade being thrown on you than that the Night-Blooming Cereus (that’s the wacked out flower that needs lots of shade and blooms once a year at night. I love PLANTS Y'ALL), you could be pretty normal looking and still make tons of cash for just standing there and having sexual predators take your picture! The only thing to be aware of, is if you choose this road, everyone is going to jack it to your picture, but hey, for me that’s a plus, and I’m assuming everyone’s perspective is mine!

2. National Politician

I know you are probably thinking, “Don’t I need a law degree or some political science knowledge to do this job?” You straight up DON’T. In fact, for whatever reason, the more you seem to know about politics, the LESS likely you are to be successful at this job, and it pays great (base salary of a congress man is $174,000 per year!). To be a successful politician, you mostly just have to ask people their wildest dreams, and then tell them you will give those dreams to them. If they ask how you’ll do it, just say a country they don’t like will pay for it. If someone told me he was going to give me some sweet-ass five-finger running shoes and the DURFS in Somalia were going to have to pay for it, I would knock on doors for that dude (you do HAVE to be a dude) all the live long day. Frickin’ Somalia, they don’t even have a functional government. Talk about a STATE FAIL!

1. Founder and CEO of Successful Tech Start-up

This is really the crown jewel of jobs that require NO experience and NO qualifications. All you need to be a successful start-up founder is an app, and apps are so easy to create, even START UP FOUNDERS can make them. Straight up, find a word that’s not too long and remove the vowels, then say you are going to be the next billion dollar company to provide “(fill in the blank) ON DEMAND”, and some rich people in California will give you MILLIONS of dollars so people can buy seltzer on the new SLTZR app. Once you get some buzz going you sell to Pepsi Co. for like a $10 million and spend the rest of your life on a beach treating people like they are sub human.

If none of these work out, there is always international espionage or blogger to fall back on. Have fun with all the above ground pool money you make at your new KILLER JOB!