Hey, guys! It’s me, Martin Shkreli! The guy who bought up all that AIDS medication and plans on doing something similar with the medication for Chagas disease!

The Holiday season’s in full swing (how come no one’s inviting to me their holiday parties? LOL JK) and I’m sure you’ll all busy making last-minute preparations. Well … um … you’re probably gonna hear this sooner rather than later and, just to get ahead of it, I’ll tell you myself — I’ve just bought up all of America’s Christmas trees and marked them up by around 5,000%.

Right now you’re probably like, “Wait, all the tress? Even the ones in National Parks and stuff?” Yeah, dude. All of them. And now you’re probably like, “Wait, that’s fucking monstrous.” Again — yeah, dude. In case you haven’t realized, that’s kinda my thing.

Yes, I realize a few of you early birds already have a tree. To that I say, “Congratulations, fuck face.” To the rest of you, I’m willing to sell you one of mine for the current price of $250,000. Before you ask — No, I don’t think that’s a reasonable cost. I just know there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s like the AIDS patients. Sure, they can’t afford their meds anymore, but it’s not like they’re gonna stop buying them. $250,000 is an absurd price but, since you can’t take your business elsewhere, I know you’re gonna pay it.

If you’re anything like the people I used to call Mom and Dad, you’re probably wondering why I’m trying to steal Christmas. Well, the easiest way to explain it is like that documentary The Grinch. Remember when he tried to steal Christmas cause his heart was three sizes too small? That’s me, but with my dick. My dick is three sizes too small. I have a teensy little penis and the whole thing has kinda made me hellbent on ruining the lives of guys who don’t.

But, like I said, if you’re that desperate for a tree, I’ll give you one of mine for a quarter mill. Just grab the cash and drop by my house located under a wooden bridge with all the other fucking trolls. But, TBH, I don’t know if you even want a tree this year. It’s not like there are any presents available to put under it. Oh, did I not mention that? I bought up all the world’s presents, too. I mean Santa sure as shit ain’t bringing me any this year so I gotta pick up my own. If you’re DESPERATE, I’ll sell you a hoop and stick for $80K but, otherwise, you’re SOL this year.

And before you make a trip out to New York to at least see the Rockefeller Tree, sorry but I’ve unplugged it. Not only can you not have a tree this year, you can’t even LOOK at a tree this year. I’ve occupied every outlet at 30 Rock with my many iPhone chargers (no you can’t use one) so there is currently none available for the tree. It’s just gonna have to go unlit this year. If de Blasio really wants to borrow an outlet the cost is $7 million. Tomorrow it’s 8.

So enjoy the holidays, you stupid shit dicks. And if you’re wondering if this is one of those holiday stories where the cartoonish supervillian suddenly gets a heart at the end, it isn’t. (Apparently that’s what happens at the end of The Grinch doc but I usually finish masturbating to the thought of stealing gifts about 15 minutes in so always fall asleep by then.)

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Fuck You.

- Martin Shkreli