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1,153Funny
288Die
70,700
Views
August 31, 2015
Published
Description

Let's meet at the desert! It's a very specific destination and a perfect plan.

1) This Kid Is Still The Worst

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Gee whiz, this child. He continues to be terrible. Los Angeles’ public transit system leaves a lot to be desired, but that doesn’t mean you have to mope around stepping on people’s ankles acting like a JERK. And he doesn’t even pick up his dad’s call!

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Did that screen look suspiciously like Tinder to anyone else? Are we to believe his 2010 cell phone implemented Tinder technology? This would be a great time to invent Zombie Tinder and get in on the ground floor of the booming undead hookup app market.

2) We’re Still In LA

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In case you’re just tuning in and missed last week’s installment, this show takes place in Los Angeles. Look at that skyline!

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Freeways! Typical LA!

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Ack. Traffic. We all hate it but we all have to deal with it here in Los Angeles where this show takes place.

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A sweatshirt that just says Pomona. Sure. Why not? That’s LA adjacent!

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Uh, more skyline. Great. Let me assure whoever is in charge of this show: We get it. We fully get it. We’re in LA. You don’t need to keep showing downtown on the horizon. You don’t need to make a cop namedrop Sherman Oaks because nobody gives a shit about Sherman Oaks and I’m saying that as someone who literally grew up there.

3) Struggling Artist

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The Walking Dead franchise continues a proud tradition of introducing a new black character and then promptly killing him. The zombie apocalypse is low-key racist, you guys. Not cool. It’s 2015! I mean, it’s 2010 in the show. Is it, though? I keep seeing new cars and some of their cell phones don’t match the timeline. ANYWAYS. This poor guy doesn’t even get to ask his parents how their road trip to Vegas went (ATTENTION: THIS SHOW TAKES PLACE IN LOS ANGELES) because he got bit and— hey. Wait. How come nobody in the room was like, “JESUS! THIS BITE! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!” They’re just like, yeah, shrug, you got bit. We all live in LA and we all know this happens all the time. Also, if you read this recap last week you’ll see I predicted this exact thing would happen. Wish I was the type of person who hates it when he’s right, but I actually really enjoy being right. Even when it comes at the cost of some character I just met last week.

4) The Most Trusted Voice In Bus News

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Here’s another thing that happens on the reg in LA: You’ll be riding the bus, minding your own phone calls from dad, and suddenly a guy gets on to announce that the police just shot a homeless person to death. Naturally, every single person on the bus gets up to go investigate.

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Does nobody on this bus have somewhere to be? Is nobody among these bus riders like, “You know what? I’m good. I don’t need to see a bullet-riddled corpse in the middle of the day.” And everyone just trusts that this guy is legit? People who board buses just to yell about murder are usually crazy. Get off the bus, you crazy man! Some of us are trying to go to LACMA!

5) The Only Knife In Los Angeles

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Can you have your knife back? Seriously? You haven’t been able to procure another butter knife from your parents’ kitchen? Sure, kid! Here’s your precious knife back. Use it in good health! Maybe you can assist a zombie who needs to spread peanut butter on an English muffin.

6) Zombie Lives Matter

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Once again, Fear The Walking Dead aims to be the voice of this generation by tackling hot topics like police brutality with an angry mob that’s almost comically racially balanced.

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A black guy, a Mexican guy with a mustache, and an Asian guy who looks like a background actor from the first Fast & Furious movie. This show gets it! NOT. And then the worst kid in the history of children decides to finally answer the phone to announce he’s a part of something.

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“Ugh, I can’t talk, Daaaad! I’m integral part of the revolution! They need me to capture this footy!” Hey, genius! Holster your camcorder. This event is currently being covered by the news.

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Their cameras are better than your camera, young man. Also, I hate you.

7) These Creepy Little Girls

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NO THANK YOU! PLEASE KEEP THIS CAR MOVING. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again right now: Creepy little girls are the creepiest. Who signed off on this? Was it fun dad? Did fun dad make you put these masks on, girls? Look, your dad isn’t perfect. Now is a great time to learn that. Clearly, sometimes he’s an idiot with poor judgment. But you love him anyways and hopefully still pick up the phone when he calls. Unlike some children that come to mind.

8) Meet Me At The Desert

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“Honey, I know the world is falling apart and our phones will probably no longer work by the end of this scene, but just go to the desert. Leave now, don’t look back. I’ll meet up with you right after I get lined up by my favorite riot barber. Which desert? Oh, you know, the desert! The desert is a very clear and specific destination. See you there! Don’t forget snacks!” Are they serious? That’s the plan? Just go to the desert? There’s desert in every direction besides West from Los Angeles. Go to the desert could mean anything. Are we going to Vegas? Palm Springs? Coachelllllaaaaaaa?!?? Find out next week on another very clearly based-in-LA episode of Fear The Walking Dead!

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