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January 08, 2012

Nowadays anyone can write a book. That might not be a good thing.

The Dangers of Book Learnin’
An excerpt from That's Why Vaampires Suck
Mars Cronin

Jon: “Welcome back. My guest tonight is well-known author and not so well-known pig castrator Eeeno Nuttin. He’s here to talk about his new book, The Dangers of Book Learnin’; a diatribe on the dangers of learnin’ things from books. He’s also going to tell us what it’s like to cut a pig’s balls off. Please give a warm welcome to Ino Nuttin. Wel-come, Mr. Nuttin.”

Ino: “Thank you, Mr. Stewart, and it’s not Eeeno, it’s Ino, like your eye.”

Jon: “Your name is Eye-no? Eye-no Nuttin?”

“That’s right, Jon.. Ino Nuttin”

“I thought it was pronounced Eeeno. You know, when you read it on the cover of your book, it looks like Eeeno.”

“A perfect example of the dangers lurkin’ in book learnin.”

“I can see that now, sir. My apologies. Heh, heh. With a name like that the kids must have teased the hell out of you when you were growing up.”

“Not that I can recall.”

“”Seriously? No teasing? None at all?”

“Nope. My younger brother though, the poor little fella, he did. Yeah Heeno got teased all the time. Got teased like a stallion that’s only allowed to sniff the mare.”

“I didn’t know they let stallions sniff the mayor, heh, heh. So let me see if I have this right. Heeno Nuttin, teasing. Ino Nuttin, no teasing. Is that what you’re telling us?”

"Yep. ‘Cause it sounds like he don’t know nuttin. Get it?”

“Yes. Yes, sir I get it. But...never mind. We’re here to talk about your book, so let’s do that. Why the ironic title? Why call a book--“

“Ain’t got nothin to do with iron. Where’d you get that from?”
Not iron, irony. You see...never mind. Why, sir would you call a book The Dangers of Book Learnin?”

“I thought you wuz a smart man, Jon. Is that a serious question? Or one of your smart-alecky ones? I can never tell with guys like you. It’s why I never watch this show.”

“I’m sure it’s our loss that we don’t have you as a viewer. But it was a serious ques-tion. Why that title?”

“Because books are dangerous, that’s why. It’s right there on the cover so ever’one’ll know up front. It seems to me one of us has been readin too many of em, and it ain’t me.”

“Clearly, sir, it ain’t you. But my question concerns the premise as well as the title. Let me phrase it differently. Let’s suppose that you’re right, that books are dangerous. How would people know that?”

“By readin my book. How you think? Are you really the host of a TV show? Or is someone scratchin my balls here?”

“Scratching your balls? No, sir. I can assure you that no one is scratching your balls. I’m sure there’s a lot of head scratching going on though., but no, there’s no ball scratching.”

“Why? You people got head lice? Iffen you do, we got a cure for that down on the farm. You just dip your head in gasoline for two minutes. Kills ever one o the little suck-ers. And that’s sumpin we didn’t learn from no book. Just down home good sense. Make sure you don’t light your pipe for a while though. Learnt that one the hard way. But, once again, not from no book.”

“We’re fine here, sir. No lice. You take things kind of literal, don’t you?”

“Well, I’m a writer.”

“But not a reader, as you’ve so eloquently explained. So let’s try this again. What, sir is so dangerous about books?”

“You can trace ever problem inna world down to a book. The Nazis knew that. Why you think they burnt em? For heat? Nope. They’s dangerous, is why.”

“OK. I’ll play along. And since you mentioned the Nazis, let’s start with bigotry and racism. How does that stem from books?”

“Let me answer your question with a question. How do people know the black man is inferior to the white man?”

“Well, I must differ, sir. That’s not--“

“From books is how. Iffen folks was ignorant about the intellectual, moral and spiri-tual inferiority of darkie, why we’d all get along jus fine.”

“No, sir. That’s simply not true. I won’t just sit here --“

“And what about stealin? Darkie wouldn’t know how to pick locks, hot-wire cars an such if he hadn’ta learnt it from books.”

“Well, sir, I see by the frantic hand waving of my producer that we’re either out of time, or about to have a race riot on our hands. So thank you for coming on the show. I’m sure we all learned something tonight. And not from a book either.”

“Now yer gittin it. But wait. We didn’t get to mention the sequel, coming soon to a bookstore near you. It’s called Don’t Read This Book, and it’s chock fulla--“

Cut to Black
And that's why you can't let just anyone write a book.