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July 25, 2016
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Why I have decided to join ranks with scumbag stringers like TMZ. "If I have seen farther than others, it is because, while they were working, I desperately clawed my way up their backs and stood upon their necks."

When filmmaking began in the late 1800’s, men and women of all kinds and from all countries told the stories they wanted to tell in the manner they wanted to tell them.Then, white male moguls consolidated all the wealth and control, and their corporations took great pleasure in exploiting the content contractors made for them. You know, like what’s happening with the Internet.

Today, there is an entire, multi-million dollar industry that solely exists to exploit people in the public eye, without the pretense of having to actually make something.

Let’s gloss over the fact this industry killed Princess Diana because clearly, this is the place to be.

I take a picture of Aston Kutcher pumping gas, slap a headline over it, “Stars! So like us!” Bam! I just made twenty dollars!

There’s no overhead, because you’re always outdoors, following people.

And best of all, you don’t have to generate or offer IDEAS. Nothing you do working for TMZ or any of the rags will ever mean anything to anyone. It is completely worthless. You will embark on a hollow, soulless endeavor that contributes nothing to society other than noise and distraction from the things that really matter. Isn’t that great?! Twenty dollars!

The real money, of course, in true Hearst fashion, is to just fake stories. If that megalomaniac could start a war, or sexual deviant Roger Ailes could swing the 2000 election for his Republican candidate, no one is going to bat an eye at your little item about Hugh Jackman’s koala fighting ring.

Besides, the 24-hour news cycle has circled journalism down the drain to the point that gossip sites are being cited as news sources. Dan Rather got fired for less!

When crafting a false story, just follow the rules:
- make liberal use of the word “allegedly”
- cite numerous unnamed sources “close to the celebrity”
- get a denial from said celeb
- close with, “Police are looking into the allegations.”

Look at that. You just made twenty-FIVE dollars!

So, I’m totally gonna be rollin’ in it. By the end of the year, I will ascend to Harvey Levin heights of leechdom, rolling out story after story - man, you’ll be calling me Mother F'n Goose.

Here’s a preview of upcoming allegations to whet your salacious senses:

ROBERT DOWNEY, JR Punched a souffle

LIAM NEESON Farts from balconies

KATE WINSELT Robbed a hobo of his bindle

BRAD HAVENS Named his cat “Caligula’s Horse”

ROBERTO BENIGNI Secretly Dutch

RICKEY GERVAIS Furry abuse

I cannot wait to get rich off of this bunk. If I have seen farther than others, it is because, while they were working, I desperately clawed my way up their backs and stood upon their necks.

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