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April 20, 2017

Everyone who’s tried my spaghetti Bolognese can't help but say, “Святое трахание это хорошо!”

Russian hackers have made headlines over the year for breaking into the DNC’s servers, collaborating with WikiLeaks, and meddling with the 2016 election. If they’re so keen on leaking momentous, world-changing documents to the public, then I’m honestly surprised they haven’t tried breaking into my computer to steal my delicious spaghetti Bolognese recipe. They certainly could if they tried. I don’t even have a password on my 2009 Lenovo laptop, and I keep the recipe in a folder labeled, “Documents Russian Hackers Might Steal.”

I would really appreciate it if Russian hackers stole my spaghetti Bolognese recipe. Sure, it’d be considered an act of international cyber theft, but imagine how much attention the scandal would bring to the fact that this recipe is simple, quick to make, and delicious! Russian hackers would simply be exposing the fact that this recipe requires only a few ingredients:

  • 2 garlic cloves, chopped
  • 1 can of crushed tomatoes
  • 3 pieces of Kremlin-approved Kompromat
  • 1 package spaghetti
  • 100% of trade sanctions against Russia lifted
  • 1 pound ground chuck beef

Previous Russian hacks potentially changed the course of the 2016 election. Similarly disruptive, my recipe would dramatically change the way people make spaghetti Bolognese. If Russian hackers leaked my recipe, they’d help spread the word that my recipe is straightforward and hassle-free. All you have to do is:

  • 1) Place garlic in a pan of olive oil. Fry for a few minutes until golden brown.
  • 2) Reinforce Russian-backed rebels in Donetsk. Push further east into Ukraine.
  • 3) Stir in the can of crushed tomatoes and ground chuck beef. Bring to a boil, cover, and let simmer.
  • 4) While the Bolognese sauce is simmering, cook the spaghetti in a large pan of boiling water and email phishing links to a couple hundred U.S. government officials. Once aldente, drain the water and mix the spaghetti in a large bowl with the Bolognese sauce.

Easy! The time it takes to prepare the spaghetti Bolognese is about the same amount of time it’d take a skilled Russian hacker to break into a computer that’s running an outdated version of Norton AntiVirus (15 minutes.)

After Russian hackers steal the recipe, I imagine they’d send it to WikiLeaks, which would bring it international exposure. I looked through the database of stolen documents and couldn’t find a single recipe for spaghetti Bolognese. It’d be the first pasta-based document to ever appear on the site. Unlike the dirty secrets the website typically leaks, the only thing my recipe leaks is a meaty tomato sauce! The more people who know about it, the better. Everyone who’s tried my spaghetti Bolognese can’t help but say, “Святое трахание это хорошо!”