This week’s tweets will leave you still feeling hungry.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it's still "Lisa, you've been banned from this Wendy's".— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) July 26, 2016
Date: Why do you have all these Subway sandwiches in your apartment?— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) July 28, 2016
Me: I figure when the sandwich artist dies, they'll be worth a fortune.
Before they invented sliced bread you just had to make a sandwich with two whole breads— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) July 28, 2016
Taco guy: guac costs extra— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) July 25, 2016
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why'd u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Apple's movie trailer page is a real "Wall of posters in a Seinfeld episode where they go to the movies" right now. pic.twitter.com/TFX5WHxKkq— Dave Horwitz (@Dave_Horwitz) July 27, 2016
We need to make shooting just one person cool again.— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) July 28, 2016
men HATE it when the rabbit theyre hunting dresses up as a beautiful woman and seduces them— 'big content' (@PREMlUMCONTENT) July 28, 2016
MY AUNT IN REAL LIFE: would you like an ice cream?— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) July 27, 2016
MY AUNT ON FACEBOOK: here is five quite racist memes
Save 4,000 calories by going to bed at 7pm.— That Carly Girl (@thatcarlygirl) June 16, 2016
THE YEAR 1952— Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) July 29, 2016
eisenhower: this is my dwight song
eisenhower: my i like ike song
I hope Hillary being president opens the door for more US presidents to have sex with each other.— Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) July 29, 2016
debbie wasserman schultz can use the time off to focus on her true passion: asking a waiter not working in her section for cleaner utensils.— josh androsky (@ShutUpAndrosky) July 24, 2016
It's obvious email isn't secure. The only truly private communication is stuff you say towards the end of a very long podcast.— Tim Duffy. (@TimDuffy) July 27, 2016
Imagine Donald Trump saying, "today's episode is brought to you by Squarespace."— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) July 24, 2016
Bought a Gillette razor. Keep trying, podcasts.— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) July 28, 2016
Breast feeding in public is less horrifying than drinking actual milk in public.— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) July 25, 2016
"When there was 1 set of footprints, that's when I was carrying u"— Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) July 25, 2016
"What about when there were 3?"
"Oh my dude Reggie was hangin for a bit"
Please, call me "Cheesecake;" "Mr Factory" is my dad's name.— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 14, 2016
It annoys me that in "Forgot About Dre," Eminem only spends 4 lines celebrating Dre, & then the rest of his bit recounting a tale of arson— dennis tennis (@pharmasean) July 22, 2016
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 23, 2016
Nintendo: Do you like games?— Shawn (@online_shawn) July 22, 2016
Nintendo: Walking around?
Me: Not really
Nintendo: Trading rats for candy?
Me: Are you drunk
Tom Hanks' mom in the movie "Big" experienced everything that happens to Winona Ryder's character in Stranger Things, only we don't see it.— Kristen Bartlett (@kristencheeks) July 24, 2016
Every time someone dies it means God didn't want to fuck or marry them :(— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) July 28, 2016
Look, the important question isn't why did I put Trump's head on Skeletor's body, it's why would I not? pic.twitter.com/U65CH9gsOx— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) July 28, 2016
please do not throw your cigarette butts on the ground, squirrels have been known to pick them up and look super fucken cool— ᴄʜʀɪs (@ChrisScarlette) July 24, 2016
All the wrong people hate themselves.— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 24, 2016