The Capitol Police allowed an unacceptable breach of security yesterday when they allowed a crackpot “activist” from Florida to penetrate DC’s security and land his gyrocopter on the lawn of the Capitol Building. This represented a serious threat to all of us members of Congress and our staffs, and it had better not be repeated.
Holy shit, though, that gyrocopter was cool.
Apparently, this man, Florida mail carrier Doug Hughes, had been blogging about his plans for days. He even emailed the White House to tell them about his stunt. Why didn’t capitol police stop him? Was it because they read his email and said, “Oh fuck us, a gyrocopter, we should shoot him out of the sky but we have to see his gyrocopter"? Because that’s what we, Congress, would have said.
It went wom wom wom wom.
Hughes told the media before his flight that he was breaching the DC no-fly zone in order to deliver letters to all 535 members of Congress. To which we say: Yo, where are our letters?! We want our letters that flew in a gyrocopter! Maybe they smell like the sky!
Nancy Pelosi says it’s properly called a “gyroplane,” and John Boehner agrees with her and they’re best friends now, but the rest of us think gyrocopter is much cooler. Gyrocopter gyrocopter gyrocopter. Whoosh.
Of course, at first when we heard a strange noise bearing down on us, we were scared. but then Chuck Schumer came running in and interrupted a debate on Obamacare and said, “Hey, everybody, come see,” and we all ran over to the window and pressed our noses against the glass, and then we laughed and cheered and hugged as our friend Doug Hughes made his triumphant landing on our lawn.
What was this guy trying to advocate for, anyway? Let’s see, it was campaign finance reform. He wants us to stop raking in millions of dollars from shadowy donors. Done.
Anything else we can do for you, magic sky man? Convert the U.S. to clean energy by next week? Abolish all taxes? Outlaw dogs? We will do literally anything this beautiful citizen wants, as long as he takes us for rides.
As for the capitol police, here are our demands for them going forward:
1. Much tighter security.
2. 535 gyrocopters.
3. Police horses to pet.
Thank you, and may God bless America.