Dear Big Monsters,
I know what you were all thinking when you were watching me perform at the Oscars (which I know you all did because I sent approximately 307 tweet reminders and if you don’t follow my Twitter, then I don’t know how you dare call yourselves “friends” or “family”). You were wondering if I’d lost my edge. Is GaGa finally GaGone?
I just wanted to assure you all that my upcoming wedding is going to be classic GaGa. But in order to prevent my special day from becoming a bad romance (if you don’t like my song puns, I can guarantee you’ll hate my vows, so get used to it), here are some requests I have for you, my lucky guests:
- Formal invitations will arrive in a bio-hazard container. Do not open the container.
- I was hoping for your RSVP via passenger pigeon, but, as it turns out, they’re extinct. Email will do. But please sign in blood. If you’re not sure how to do that, please contact my assistant, Ricky. He’s well-acquainted with the procedure.
- On the day of the wedding, everyone is to arrive on the back of a polar bear. Don’t worry, I’ll supply the bears.
- Women can’t have their periods, since it will upset the bears.
- Since the theme of my wedding is “Apocalyptic Nuclear Winter Wonderland in the Desert,” the color scheme will be white and sand and we ask our guests to respect our color scheme. This goes for all clothing, accessories, and hair — and the carpet had better match the drapes (more details on that later).
- If anyone can refer me to a good camel trainer, please let me know.
- All photographs will be aerial. Please plan your hairdos accordingly.
- If you are allergic to any of the following items, attendance is at your own risk: foam, smoke, fog, industrial-strength bandages, Styrofoam packing peanuts, goose feathers, duck feathers, pegasus feathers, artificial snow, real snow, rusty nails.
- Please make sure you have an up-to-date tetanus shot.
- Come hungry! The ceremony will conclude with a ritual hunt. This will, of course, be nude — hence my earlier request about carpet/drapes.
- In lieu of gifts, we ask that you donate to the American Cancer Society.
Taylor and I feel like this wedding is going to capture our true spirit. I haven’t run anything by him yet, but I’m sure when I do, that’s what he’ll say. He gave me an engagement ring shaped like a heart, because he’s just as zany as I am. Shaped like a heart! Where does he come up with these things? We’re truly a match made in Heaven.
Can’t wait to see you all there!