10 Humans Who Forgot How to Human
Humanity is in peril. Just as occasionally cats stand up on their hind-legs, forgetting that they are cats and forgetting the art of catting- humans, too, metaphorically stand up on their hind-legs and completely forget how to human. Certain basic principles of being a human are being tossed down the garbage disposal of human existence. Watch out for these skin sacks of human trash that make you want to reenact the part of The Martian where Matt Damon is alone on Mars and the awful people of Earth stop bothering him.
- 1. Greg (The guy who sits next to you on the bus when there are empty seats)
It’s the guy who can’t tell by the glare on your face, and the backpack that remains in the empty seat next to you, that you in fact, do NOT want a bus buddy this Monday morning. That, in fact, he should consider the buffet of empty bus seats as more suitable options for his touche this morning. Greg has forgotten that he is the only person who boarded a bus this morning with the intention of making friends. I will not compare Greg to Mussolini, but I will end Greg’s section with this sentence.
- 2. Jesus
Jesus. Our Lord and Savior. Who, according to Judeo-Christian mythology, came down to Earth to teach humans how to human better. Unfortunately, Jesus forgot the most important and defining characteristic to humaning: not coming back from the dead. Good try, “Jesus”.
- 3. Your Spanish Grammar Professor
He knows. He knows about your 5 other classes. He knows about your job at Kmart. He knows about your boyfriend, your infinite number of girlfriends, your niece you go home on the weekends to see, and the bed that you so seldom use. Why is it, then, that the week before midterms Professor No-Soul completely deserts what little compassion he managed to hold onto through graduate school and assigns you a 35 page reading on the six different uses of “se”? Who hurt you?
- 4. The CEO Spirit Airlines, Robert L. Fornaro
If you’ve ever flown with Spirit, you get it. Not only does this guy give no fucks about the quality of his flights, he also gives no fucks about responding to complaint mail about his flights. Basic part of humaning that Fornaro is missing? RESPONDING TO EMAILS IN A TIMELY MANNER. If you haven’t flown with Spirit, just imagine a scenario in which the miracle of flight is ruined because your airplane is actually just a tin-can attached to a kite and the pilot of the kite doesn’t show up until 4 hours after the original time of take-off because on the way to the airport this morning he hit your dog and your step-sister with his car. And you have smallpox.
- 5. Martin Shrkeli
Honestly, fuck this guy. The CEO of the pharmaceutical corporation that raised the price of a drug for people with AIDS so high that they could no longer afford it. Where do we begin with his humaning mistakes? Human fail #1: condemning people with AIDS to death because they can’t afford their drugs. Human fail #2: not recognizing that that was wrong. Human fail #3: not being dead right now because it is a fact that some people are such alligator sharts that they don’t deserve to breathe.
- 6. Greg’s Parents
Did those safe-sex talks mean nothing to you? I hope that was a sexy, romantic night, the night you conceived Greg, because it’s ruined the world for the rest of us for the last 23 years and counting.
- 7. Donald Trump
Consciously or unconsciously, Mr. Trump’s ability to forget how to be a human being is a sin unforgivable. Instead of correctly humaning socially, he lacks the capacity to feel remorse, empathy, embarrassment, sadness, self-pity, worthlessness, defeat, insecurity or misery. Some may see this as a positive evolution of the human being. But let me tell you, these negative feelings are essential to the human social experience. Without embarrassment, we would all still be walking around with long black blue-streaked bangs over our eyes listening to Green Day. Without worthlessness, we would all think that we, individually, are the greatest person in the world. You’re not that great, and you can’t pull off bangs, but let me assure you, you are humaning better than Donald Trump.
- 8. Herman B. Wells Statue
A human who forgot how to human so long he turned into bronze on a bench. Remember to always keep moving. That’s what people do- or they turn into bronze on a bench.
- Deb at the DMV
Vanity is a key trait of humaning, and the fact that Deb won’t let you see your new passport pic before it’s stuck on the document for the next 10 years is just shitty. There’s no other way to say it. Just shitty. Sorry I didn’t bring my birth certificate to the DMV, Deborah, I guess I just incorrectly assumed that my driver’s license, social security card, and tattooed bar code on my foot (which we’ll all have by 2020 if Trump is elected) would be enough to prove to you that I’m me. I hope you drown in the melting polar ice caps.
- 10. Greg
FUCK YOU, GREG. Congrats on being the absolute worst monster on this list/planet.
Kaitlyn Blansett stares pensively out the window of the dimly lit cafe on 6th St. and takes a drink of someone else’s cold coffee. She is a senior and a member of Midnight Snack Comedy. You can follow her on twitter @blanseypants if you’re into that sort of thing.