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April 16, 2012

What do black people do on Kwanzaa? That's a great question, or possibly a completely stupid one. I can't tell as I am now rolling on Walgreen's brand Sudafed and a little bit of Svedka to help offset the tweaking so I can finally beat this cold and go to sleep. Back to what I was saying. I don't know much of black people except how to make fun of them, so without further explanation here is in fact what those darkies do on Kwanza, which I should clarify, they all secretly celebrate each year.

First, it's a tradition amongst the Afro's to sing Wiz Khalifa charols about such things as cars that help you bang ho's and the inability to get sleep cuz you've been fucking all dem ho's.  This tradition which somehow has existed for 30 years despite the fact that Wiz has only been famous for one year is sacred to the colored folk and often leads to an occupation of Cabrini Green which only lasts for twenty to thirty years.  Wiz Khalifa failed to comment on this tradition as I made no attempt to contact him.

Second, the eldest of the clan, usually the oldest brother in the family, pounds a Colt forty-ounce malt beverage and vents hits frustrations about Obama not being more "gangsta" and "ready to throw down and shit".  This is usually followed by a frank discussion over if the family should hate Eminem or not.

Third, the family breaks into a dance competition that usually starts with break dancing and ends with some fly ass dubstep moves.

Fourth, the dark folks bitch about how Santa failed to acknowledge their holiday on yet another year and has delivered them absolutely nothing.  They do however take solace in the fact that their aunt had managed to snatch several black friday waffle makers and only had to mace three white mofo's to get them.

Fifth, they decide they'll do the fifth step later, as they have for fifty years.

This is probably the most accurate explanation of what melanin proficient Americans tend to on whatever day is Kwanza.  I didn't feel it was worth burning half a calorie to check on one of my three computers, or phone in immediate access to find out the date, so let's just say it's on the same day as Christmas.  Christmas of course is the holiday where we celebrate a woman sticking to her story that she's never been plowed and some how god couldn't just materialize a pseudo-omnipentent being from thin air.

originally posted here http://drunktalk.tv/drunkblog/what-do-the-blacks-do-on-kwanza/