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June 26, 2014

In honor of Paul Bunyan day, (we’re serious), we’ve decided to revisit the american folk hero, and came across this old folk tale we think you’ll like.

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In honor of Paul Bunyan day, (we’re serious), we’ve decided to revisit the american folk hero, and came across this old folk tale we think you’ll like:

How to Make Ol’ Paul Bunyan Get Off

Well about once a year, when the flowers were blooming, and the bears were peaking out their winter caves, a thunder storm would start booming from the mountains. This thunder had no clouds.

They were the footsteps of none other than Paul Bunyan, a man who would be center on a basketball team full of mountains. When he arrived with a certain look on his face, everyone knew what it was for - Paul Bunyan needed to get off, and he needed to get off now.

As his presence could be seen for miles over, hundreds of people came to help. A horny Paul Bunyan was a dangerous one, and everyone knew it was in their best interest to get him off as soon as possible.

They led him to a the tallest trees they could find in the Redwood Forest and cut all the branches off. Out of those branches they built two platforms, one just below his eye level, and the other at the level of his personal Redwood.

On the top platform they placed the most beautiful woman in the land, nude as Eve before the apple.

On the second platform they built an accordion-style fuck box, as long and wide as Noah’s ark. At one end of the box the people built a hole for Paul’s mighty shaft, as large as Big Ben’s clock face, it’s said. On the other end of that fuck box was a pump, connected to the largest water tower around, now full of olive oil, ready to pump nature’s lube into that box for as long as necessary.

Inside the box were thousands of bears and bunnies, soft and warm, and when covered in olive oil, probably really fun for a giant to have sliding up and down his rod.

Paul couldn’t do his own thrusting, though - that would cause an earthquake greater than the world has ever seen. So every train for two hundred miles showed up to help. The trains all had hooks that would grab a rope connected to one end of the fuck box, and as soon as one train pulled the box in, another train would be right there on the other side, yanking the box out.

After three days and nights of yanking and pulling, bears and bunnies licking and rolling, Paul Bunyan was ready to burst. So he pointed up to the mountains, and, well, that’s why Mt. Shasta has her pretty white top to this very day.

Paul Bunyan would tip his cap, pull up his pants, and head back to the woods, leaving the good people to relax until he showed up again next year, horny as the Devil and hard as a diamond.