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97 Funny Votes
109 Die Votes
Published: May 17, 2013
Description: David Beckham announced that at age 38, he is retiring from professional soccer. Here are some things he should have time for now.


1. Buy FIFA and Major League Soccer because might as well.

2. Learn to play guitar and join a band so he can meet some chicks.

3. Count how many articles used the headline “End it like Beckham” after his announcement.

4. Start a new religion, achieve God-level status, and then join a different religion. Repeat.

5. Get to know these “Victoria and the kids” people he keeps hearing about.

6. Practice his free-kicks.

7. Use Kickstarter to raise enough money to self-publish his collection of David Beckham graphic fan fiction.

8. Develop an alter-ego: Dave Wiggam, amateur cartoonist and rare stuffed animal collector.

9. Finally get around to watching Bend it Like Beckham.

10. Thank God a couple more times.