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July 31, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

At the Olympics, England won a medal in men's gymnastics for the first time in 100 years. Sounds like someone lost a bet to England, ay Chicago Cubs?

Some Palestinians are calling Mitt Romney racist after his pro-Israel speech on Sunday. Okay, but would a racist give 10 percent of his income every year to a church with a history of racism?

In related news, Mitt Romney applauded Israel's socialized health care system. Israel responded by applauding Romney's ability to both talk and shit out of his mouth.

In India, 300 million people were left without power following a massive blackout. Officials say they can't remember the last time 5 percent of the population was without power.

A libertarian group is being criticized for a billboard comparing Obama to the Aurora, Colo., shooter. "Because who's to say they're not the same person?" asked Fox News.

The office of a major Mexican newspaper was set on fire this week. Leaving the U.S. government unsure where to run their ad offering free guns to drug dealers.

A "smile study" discovered that people over 40 look younger when they smile. The only problem: What do people over 40 have to smile about?

Director Peter Jackson confirmed that "The Hobbit" will be broken up into three films. "Precious, precious," said producers looking at potential profits.

Ancestry.com claims that Obama is a descendant of the first African-American slave in America. Though they can't explain why it was the first African-American slave then got sent to Kenya.

A video circulating on YouTube appears to show a UFO hovering above the Olympics' opening ceremony. Leaving the possibility that someone, or something, understood what they were watching.

Dick Cheney called John McCain's selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate a "mistake." "For one," said Cheney, "she's 100 percent human."