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September 23, 2011

How to create and get your Dream Job.

Dream Job

About a year ago I lost my job teaching art at a private school in Manhattan. I miss the connected feeling that came with having a job. So before I let a thirteenth month go by, I decided to write an article about a new technique I am using to get another job. But not just any job, a Dream Job!

I hope this will motivate others or possibly just get published for money. If you are reading this, you are either my mother, who I emailed it to or it was in fact published. Either way, hi Mom.

The New Normal:

No longer is it possible to run your own personal Ponzi scheme with credit card offers from your mailbox and then stick a Norwegian with the bill. No, the American dream has changed, some say has been lost for good.

My new technique is to create the job you want!  Dream it up. Write it down. Scrawl it in graffiti, especially if the job you really want is in the graffiti removal industry. Let your heart be your guide.

I have created my own sample Dream Job below so you can see what I mean. 

Sample Dream Job

Start Small:

I want a job where I can spend days rearranging paperwork at right angles on my desk; a job where I feel that desk is my own little two by three foot universe.  

You’re getting the hang of it now!

At my Dream Job, my employers will not hire a stupid jerk named Andrea halfway through the school year and make me share that desk with her and explain my filing “system”. 

Great work!  Let’s keep going.

Dare to Dream:

My Dream Job should have a few really hot female coworkers who wear leather boots and are not fat yet. And a few with bad skin and bad posture who will actually sit and eat lunch with me.

Be A Leader:

My male coworkers should either be shorter or fatter than me and not know how to dress. They shouldn’t shave everyday. They should wear ties with short sleeve dress shirts. And they must live on the edge of a transitional neighborhood in Brooklyn or better yet, Queens.

Let Them Know Who’s Boss:

Ideally my employer, for example let’s call her Mrs. Goldstein, instead of yelling at me,  would really lay into herself about how she should have realized sooner that my job was really, like three jobs. Then she could have hired me assistants that I could have been beloved by and lorded minor power over. Yes that would have been ideal.

Man of the People:

Finally, work should be a place where I feel relaxed, be a break from my home which I seldom clean. In my Dream Job I’ll befriend the janitor with the lazy eye until he senses that I am just being nice. He’ll soon grow to resent me but not until after he’s agreed to clean my art room each day. At least the half he can see. 

Now You Try:

I am sure you have your own requirements for your Dream Job. You may want a raise even though you come back from lunch each day smelling like marijuana. Or, you may want people to see your true self worth even though you overeat and are addicted to pain medication.  

In this new America the possibilities are endless. Just dare to dream and have that dream translated into Mandarin.