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Published April 14, 2011

The Jimmy Dean Heart Attack

 

Jim McPartland

www.Funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

 

 

I knew I'd be hungry by around 10 a.m. yesterday morning. I was going to have to hustle at work, so I stopped at the local grocers to pick up something I could nuke quick, was relatively inexpensive, and tasted good.

I perused the frozen breakfast section. I honed in on a Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowl. It looked like a diner combo sans the wheat toast- eggs, home fries, bacon, cheese- all just mish mashed together in an edible form.

It looked like it would do.

As I'm standing by the microwave for the 3 minutes it takes to heat, I pass the time by reading the nutritional info. Try to learn something. It's like when I leave Penthouse Forum by the John. OK, maybe that’s not about learning something. That’s more of a simple way to pass time, entering a fantasy world that will never allow me in, but it's interesting and trashy. And totally made up. Like FOX News.

 

390 calories- not bad. 1200 mg of sodium. That’s pushing the whole shaker. I’ll have to sweat today. 360 mg of cholesterol.

 

I stop and pan to the next line-

 

123% of the daily requirement.

 

123%?? This isn’t breakfast- it’s a frozen coronary. I can already feel my aorta screaming “NO!!!! PLEASE, NO!” My ventricles tightened. They begin to fight with my taste buds and stomach. My brain is the referee, but is quietly silent, bemused by the inner turmoil my other organs are having.

 

I’ve never seen any product have more than the 100%. Even the Hostess Cupcakes I’m slogging down right now only have 2%. Maybe Mom was wrong by not letting us eat chocolate for breakfast. Jimmy must have run for the hills from his office when he’d hear Michele Obama coming, urging he cut down the salt and save a pig.

 

Do we then wonder why 50% of Mississippi is obese? I’m convinced the Board of Directors at JD Meat Products has a shitload of cash invested in Lipitor.

 

The stomach won the argument. The taste buds were pleased. The brain felt satisfied, yet slightly concerned and guilty.

 

The arteries were totally pissed and vowed to have arrhythmia throughout the day. I promised them lettuce for dinner, but they refused to speak with me.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh- and Jimmy Dean died recently. In front of the TV. Eating. Of “natural” causes.

 

If eating his shit leads to “natural” causes, pass me the Twinkies and let me go as “self inflicted hardening of the arteries” while reading the Forum.

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