Full Credits

Stats & Data

January 16, 2012

Danny Zuker(Writer/Executive Producer on the hit show Modern Family) told me he could use a black friend. These are a series of letters to show him exactly why I'm the only Black friend he needs.


Dear Danny Zuker,

You've done it again. Let me be the first Black friend to say congratulations on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I bet it feels so cool to win an award like that. Be honest, is the globe filled with chocolate? If it is I know its Godiva. White people love Godiva chocolate. But I do too so it may be more universal. I don't think Black people want to spend that kind of money on chocolate though. Saving up for those Concord Jordans in December. I hear they're to die for. Literally.

I'm pretty sure Martin Luther King, knowing that you've been forming this bond with a young Black man from an inner city was looking down on the Gold Globes(because he had nothing better to do) and thought, "I'm gonna' rewaaaaard that white man Danny Zuker with a Golden Globe for being friends with that Black kid." That's how I imagine it he might have sounded. I'm not sure if he even has the power to grant prayers like that but maybe God turns over the reins on MLK weekend? 

The Globes were pretty Black this year with Idris Elba winning for Luther, that other chick winning for The Help, and then Morgan Freeman getting an award from Sidney Portier. I assume this is there subtle way of saying vote for Obama in 2012? If so, I got the message. This would have been a good year to show up with your new Black friend. We're the new hot accessory in Tinsel Town. 

I really don't know what to do today. I assume everything is free for me since I'm Black. I figure this is one of the more guilty days of the year for white people but February must be an awful reminder. It's like civil injustice herpes that can never go away and shows up for an entire 28 days once a year to remind you that you shouldn't have slept with that hooker in vegas. The "hooker" being Black people and the "sleeping with" being slavery. And of course the herpes being Black History month. But just know that I absolve you of all wrong doing as a white American Danny. Because that's what friends do. We absolve each other right?

I assume at some point in the day I'm supposed to eat barbeque? I don't know where to get any(people assume we always know where to get BBQ) but i'll manage. I don't want to keep you because I don't think I'm supposed to be working on MLK Day and you need to go watch a Black movie and listen to some Lil Wayne. Until next time D-Sauce. We shall overcome.


Your Black Friend.