Full Credits

Stats & Data

May 17, 2012

Three of the original Wiggles have thrown in their turtlenecks and have revealed their replacements. Nobody cares about any of them except for the one with a vagina. SHOCK!

The Wiggles have released a press statement today regarding the retirement of three quarters of the much loved Australian band by the end of 2012. Jeff, Murray and recent returnee Greg have decided to hand over their skivvies to a new generation of children entertainers; unfortunately, Austrian group “The Fritzl’s” haven’t been named as the replacements.

The biggest shock to fans has been the announcement of a female wiggle entering the fold for the first time since Kylie Minogue’s guest stint as the pink wiggle, which caused endless innuendo laden jokes about the female anatomy and the color pink. Former back up dancer Emma Daniels will be donning the iconic yellow skivvy, except for five days of each month where she will become the inexplicably angry Red Wiggle. She will also be referred to as “The Yellow Jiggle” rather than the classic “wiggle” and won’t be allowed behind the wheel of the big red car, instead being relegated to cook in the Wiggly kitchen. And don't get me started on the countless times that we will hear the phrase "Check out HER hot potatoes!" Misogynism, yeah!

The group copped a massive backlash from the public earlier in the year after they unceremoniously dropped replacement Yellow Wiggle Sam like the proverbial hot potato and re-inducted original member Skeletor, who has been equated to “cold spaghetti” by some eight year old I overheard on the bus. Skeletor originally left the band in 2006 due to illness and focusing all of his attention on taking over Eternia.

"Soon, He-Man, Soon..."

No news on the future pursuits of Murray and Greg, but Jeff has stated that he’s “looking forward to doing some Asian stuff, probably involving rice.” (I apologise for that previous joke, it makes me come off as riceist.)

As the only original member left, Blue Wiggle Anthony Field will rename “ The Wiggly Waffle” to “The Wiggly Blue Waffle” in his own honor. Other reshufflings include the euphemistic “Captain Feathersword” being replaced by a new character “Admiral Tickledick” and Dorothy the Dinosaur being replaced by another dinosaur – Tyrannosaurus Rex Mullens.

"I've made it my life's mission to awkwardly shoehorn this image into every article I write."

Is this the death knell of The Wiggles? History shows that such major restructuring of a beloved format doesn't always go well. Remember "Saved by the Bell - The New Class"?

I didn't think so.

Follow Sean on TWITTER.