Full Credits

Stats & Data

December 09, 2013

A Beard discusses the many merits of growing a beard.

Hey Hey People,

Things have been going pretty swell for us beards last few thousand years: Growing on Vikings, NHL Champions, Lumberjacks, Beekeepers, Sea Captains and Wizards. Last year we got inducted into the Coolternity Hall of Fame, just beating out Tools and Explosions.

Check out these awesome beard facts, did you know?

  • In most ancient cultures philosophizing without a beard was illegal.
  • Teens today in most Oceanic tribes you can only grow a beard after a right of passage by stealing an alligator’s young and squatting on an anthill for three weeks.
  • “Beard” derives from the Latin word “Ladiesmaxiumus"
  • Before Ernest Hemmingway could grow a beard, he lacked confidence in his writing and worked at a Blockbuster Video till age 31* 

*From Wiki. Needs fact check. 

Yeah, we’re that awesome. I’m writing now because I want to recruit a new generation of bearded men. Growing a beard makes anyone cool, like a leather jacket of the face. Just how cool? Here are three humblebrags I said out loud today: 

 “It’s so annoying getting sticky after drinking champagne out of a Stanley Cup” 

 “I feel like only runway models complain about beard burn”

 “How do I only choose just three awesome humblebrags?”

Beards make everything better! Compare the first half of The Notebook to the second half. No one had ever heard of pirate Captain Blue until he grew a beard. Try to imagine your coffee barista without a beard? By the way, if your barista doesn’t have a beard, you’re in the wrong coffee shop. Everywhere we go, my pals and I get noticed. Think back on how many games of Guess Who you won because there’s only like two bearded dudes? So go for it! There are hundreds of awesome beard styles to choose from. We’ve been riding high for a few millennia, and if we keep our chins up, (clearly showing off), I think we can pull this cool thing off for all of human kind.