Full Credits

Stats & Data

March 13, 2016

My authentic recipe for chili

Nick Meyler’s recipe for chili: 2 pounds of bison meat. Brown it in a large pan (perhaps one pound at a time) and drain grease. Place in a very large pot, relatively speaking, and put on simmer. Add a can of chopped tomatoes and celery from the store, made by some company. Then, add a whole can of stewed tomatoes. Cook that some.

Chop up some stuff left in the fridge like a box of mushrooms and brown them in bacon grease. And remember to cook the bacon in the pan first, until it is translucent and has the consistency of dental floss (you know what I mean!). Add another can (this time of beans) to the simmering deer or buffalo (or whatever) meat, and stir it up until it is stirred.

That was a can of pinto beans, by the way, so don’t forget to buy that at the store, first. Then pour about two tablespoons of a recently opened Sapporo into the mix, and stir it again. Now, add some seasoning packs (McCormick’s or something) of chili seasonings. Remember to completely disregard the instructions on the seasoning packs. Those are only for amateurs.

Now, add a random amount of ancho chili powder, chilpotle chili powder, and “chili powder”. Stir it again. Look at it for a while. Next, chop up about one red onion (or a half) and brown in the bacon grease – wait, you need to brown the 3 serrano peppers and the jalapeno pepper first (and these should also be chopped). Add the garlic paste to the mix in the step before the last one, and don’t forget it… Just a good squeeze or two… like if you were a 2-year old learning to brush your teeth for the first time.

Cinnamon! Did I mention cinnamon? You guess how much to put in. Oh, also, South African Smoke Seasoning is good… like a few turns of the grinder… Then find what tabasco sauces you have (habanero or regular), and add as much as you have left in the bottle (I didn’t have that much left, really) of the regular Tabasco and just a few shakes of the habanero…

Go back to the pan where you are browning the onion with the bacon and jalapeno and serrano…. add some of the juices from one of the cans of beans (oh, yeah, black beans should have been added a few steps above to the large pot, as well as kidney beans, and a large can of Mesquite-smoked “Grillin’ Beans”). Anyway, back to the main action, cook that sonofabitch onion and serrano, etc. until it is translucent and perfect. If you don’t know what I mean by perfect, I still wish you my best.

Add that whole pan of good stuff (Oh, wait, did I mention that you need to use like 8 slices of bacon?) to the simmering pot. Stir it around, add half a bottle of Young’s Double Chocolate Stout, and (did I mention the Sriracha sauce? like a few squirts) then stir it (making sure not to burn it, all the while… make sure to set it at some temperature which won’t burn it that much if you go up and play chess for a half hour and forget about the simmering pot).

Add a few tablespoons of barbeque sauce, and stir it a bit more…. make sure to push the bacon down to the bottom of the big pot, for some reason. Then cook it, cook it, and cook it. Taste it, and then add more stuff if you like. Freshly ground multi-colored pepper, French grey sea salt and/or Himalayan Pink salt all come to mind… Please follow my instructions exactly, or I can’t promise good results.

Bon Appetit!