In the wake of yet another series of devastating concussions that rocked the National Football League, the league has made a startling secret agreement with the Players Association that starting in 2013 they will get rid of uniforms, pads, and helmets, and have players play naked, according to a source in Commissioner Roger Goodell's office. The NFL insider, speaking on the promise of anonymity, said that the league is terrified of lawsuits by current and former players, and is also looking to broaden their audience to include women and gays. They reason that players will be much less inclined to use their heads as torpedoes if their skulls aren't protected by state-of-the-art polyurethane "shock bonnet" helmets. The league is convinced that concussion rates will plummet, and revenues will soar. There are already 3,356 former players and family members suing the NFL, and losses could go into the billions. There is also mounting evidence that the NFL deliberately withheld information about head injuries and misled players, encouraging them to perform when they were physically compromised. In addition to lying to players and encouraging them to play hurt, the league is also very concerned about their public image, as there seems to be new and horrifying stories are emerging every week of severe neglect and lack of care for veterans of the league, many of whom are broke and destitute, suffer from dementia, and can barely walk. For decades the NFL turned their back on these men who built the league into the multi-billion dollar industry it is today, and they are looking for a way to distract the world from their shameful disgrace. In the new naked NFL, the anonymous source said, players will receive a bigger piece of the pie (which everyone believes will be a much bigger pie). They will also be provided with larger pensions and top-notch lifelong healthcare. But players will be forced to sign a waiver on any future claims resulting from any injuries they sustained while playing in their birthday suits. "I'll be honest," the anonymous source said, "Roger Goodell is seriously sh*tting bricks about this whole concussion thing. And he's convinced that if everyone's talking naked naked naked, they'll stop talking concussion concussion concussion. The owners also figure some big time veterans won't want to play in the buff, so they can dump a lot of salaries and bring in a whole new crop of underpaid studs and turn hem into stars. But of course they're counting on some of the old guard to buy in. Look, I'm totally straight, I mean I'm as straight as any straight guy can be, but I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you that the idea of Ray Lewis sprinting hellbent up the field with his big old junk flapping around doesn't excite the hell out of me. And the owners have been trying for decades to figure out how to get their hands on some of the female demographic. They tried the breast cancer thing to get the babes in, but that's just a little pink slapped on, it doesn't make broads passionate about the game. Not like watching Tom Brady standing tall in the pocket with his tight, taut, supple buttocks glistening in the sun. I mean, come on, you got everybody from grandmothers to teenyboppers, soccer moms to society ladies, MILFs to sistas, cougars to beauty queens, hell you'll even get some dykes who love to watch hot dudes beat the crap out of each other, you'll have bitches from coast-to-coast panting in their panties. And frankly, the Commissioner and the owners have had a secret boner for the gays forever. Are you kidding me? Can you imagine NFL gay bars all over America full of fags going insane when a close-up of Troy Polamalu's massive, throbbing, totally naked thunder thighs fills up their big screens? Everybody knows the gays are sick with disposable income. And they love getting all dressed up in their little outfits with their nut-hugging shorts, believe me, Goodell and his minions are already laying out a whole NFL Fancy Lad clothing line. Everybody in the office is going crazy for this idea. We've even got a betting pool going for who's got the biggest lunchbox in the league, and who's packing the littlest pistol. I've got King Dunlap for Senor Grande. The guy's 6' 9", I saw him in the locker one time, he's got a wang on him that looks like a baby's arm with an apple in its fist. I got my money on Peyton Manning for teeniest wienie. Call me crazy, but he's always seemed like a guy who's got a very small penis." When contacted, the NFL declined to comment.
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