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Published February 24, 2012

As reported a few years ago back when Laker's star Kobe Bryant was the coolest person in the world and no one dared make a beef joke about his name, Bryant was involved in a nasty scandal which had something to do with a sexy hotel maid. His wife swore to eternally forgive him when, instead of Van Gogh'ing his penis, he gave her a trillion dollar "I'm sorry" ring. Contrary to popular belief, this did not stop his wife, Vanessa Bryant, from filing for divorce.

The Bryants considered debuting a tv show about their lives, but after filming the pilot episode, they were at a loss for drama. "We ain't the Kardashian's, ya know? Like, they whine and stuff. We just have sex, ya know?" said Kobe, eloquent as usual, about their cinematic issues. "Vanessa and I had a long talk about what to do to get us back in the spotlight."

After waiting two months before doing anything with their divorce, the Bryants found the perfect time to re-air out their dirty laundry. "We talked to a bunch of really good friends of ours on how to navigate and get lots of attention," said Bryant, listing Katy Perry and Russell Brand, Heidi Klum and Seal, Jennifer Lopez and that skeleton guy, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, and Kim Kardashian and some barking guy as their chief advisors.

"Everyone had really great advice... It seemed like they knew their stuff." said Vanessa Bryant, covering Kobe's mouth for a chance to say something. 

"It was like, a total no-brainer," said Vanessa, still covering Kobe's mouth. "Like, what's "in" right now? Being happily married, or gaining a shitload of cash for doing nothing and people knowing my first name?"

Although the divorce was filed in December of last year, information is just now surfacing that Vanessa Bryant is estimated to receive at least $75 million from the divorce. I don't know about you, but I'd get a divorce too if I was married to such a disgusting pig who was also incredibly rich.

Citing the aforementioned "disgusting pig" and "$75 million," Vanessa is quoted saying "It's just a matter of convenience."

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