Human reporter looks on, puzzled, impatient


HOLLYWOOD – It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights, it’s time to gain some insight on the GOP race tonight.

This reporter was lucky enough to get an exclusive interview with octogenarian balcony-dwellers Statler and Waldorf regarding their thoughts on the upcoming Republican nomination and the candidates who seek to challenge President Barack Obama for the White House this November. I originally intended to meet with Kermit the Frog, but he was unavailable to comment at the time as he was busy holding twelve bowling pins.

Luckily, Statler and Waldorf had much to say about the upcoming nomination, the candidates, the debates and the primaries. Their nonchalant banter and pun-heavy commentary at times contradicted the serious tone I was trying to set for our meeting, but I guess that was to be expected.

I asked if they were surprised that Governor Rick Perry, who two mere months ago was considered a front runner, had dropped out of the primaries, and if they could provide any reason as to what may have lead to his downfall. Waldorf responded that it “made sense” as the Governor “couldn’t even finish primary school”.

Statler and Waldorf added they were sad Michele Bachmann had ended her campaign, as they heard she was all in favor of gay people getting married. I questioned the legitimacy to this claim, stating that I personally did not agree with this but I would have thought her strong religious affiliations and beliefs may have contradicted with the idea of gay marriage, so to clarify where they had heard this.

“Well, of course Bachmann’s all for gays getting married,” Statler said.

“Yeah,” added Waldorf. “Look at her husband!”  

Many a “hohohohoho” followed this statement. Deciding that the candidates who had already dropped out of the race were too fertile for ground for satire and ridicule at the hands of these two, I looked to engage in discussion about the future of those still in the race

A passing Fozzie Bear commented, “Wo-caucus wocka!”

I tried to seek out Mr. Bear for further comment, yet he inexplicably disappeared.

Statler and Waldorf had much to say about former Senator Rick Santorum. The moment I mentioned the word “caucus” it led to some rather PG-13 puns regarding him and his policies. Furthermore, use of the word “poll” led to similar phallic jokes and wordplay, so I decided to refrain from mentioning Santorum for the rest of the interview.  

As I tried to get the interview back on track, I was ignored for a moment as Statler leant over to Waldorf and asked, “You hear that Newt Gingrich is all about polygamy?”

Waldorf responded, “More than one woman wants to sleep with him? You must be PULLIN’ my LEG, AMI!”

The duo refused to make any jokes about their bingo teammate Ron Paul, but conversation soon shifted to the apparent front-runner so far, former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney.

“I hear he’s a moron,” commented Statler.

“Don’t you mean Mormon?” I interjected.

“That too!” Statler shot back. He and Waldorf then shared yet another hearty guffaw before I could continue.

“President Obama oversaw the capture and killing of terrorist Osama Bin Laden by the NAVY Seals,” I pointed out. “Do you think that Mr. Romney would have the – for want of a better term – “cahones” – to oversee an operation such as this?”

“Well, of course,” Statler was quick to respond.

“How do you figure?” I asked.

Statler replied, “He could catch anything. He’s a MITT!”

Seeking further insight on their thoughts about his presidential campaign, I asked the two Muppets if they thought that the surfacing controversy surrounding Romney’s time at Bain Capital might hurt his appeal among the working class. For the first time that evening Statler and Waldorf did not interrupt me but rather asked me to elaborate, which in hindsight I should have recognized as them trying to coerce me into hitting the setup for their next practical joke.

I pointed out that earlier in the month Romney said he liked being able to fire people who provided services to him. At that moment, Statler asked, “Did somebody say FIRE?”

 He then held up a firecracker, which promptly exploded in his hand. The Muppets’ studio burned down in a matter of seconds. Luckily, everyone vacated safely. A rep later reassured me that this happens about 1500 times a year so there was no need to worry.

Statler and Waldorf, who ended the interview by quipping, “More like Republi-CAN’t!” -  disclosed that they fully endorse independent Ralph Nader.