As a one time broke, unemployed student, I’ve gathered some tips throughout the years on how to save money if you ever find yourself in scary, uncompromising situations between yourself and the red negative numbers in your bank account.
1. Eat canned food only. Never, and I mean never, purchase any kind of fresh produce. Frozen food also acceptable, but only as a special treat.
2. When crashing at a friend’s apartment, always ‘forget’ your own shower supplies.
3. Never purchase toilet paper. Always snatch a roll or three from public restrooms.
4. If there’s anything you can do yourself, instead paying others to do it, then do it yourself. (i.e. paint own nails, give own back masage*)
*Difficult, but feel free to get creative with that one.
5. When you do purchase something, buy time. Contrary to the above direction, pick and chose what you’re paying for. I haven’t done my own laundry in 3 years. I will always drop off laundry because instead of waiting at laundromat for clothes, I can be doing more important things such as job hunting or collecting cans for refunds or plucking my own eyebrows.
6. It truly is a fabulous, liberating experience to purchase a 40 with coins then proceed to drink it out of a brown paper bag while roaming the streets of NYC. Everyone should try it at least once.
So kids, I highly recommend the above tips (which now sound more like I was once homeless come to think of it) even if you don’t strive to become a dirt-poor, disheveled diva. Life’s all about the struggle, which makes the end results so much more rewarding. You have to fight for what you want, and I say, fight for freedom! Ha, I mean, if you really want something, you have to go after it with everything you got. Even if it means eating from cans for a couple months. Because once you’ve truly earned that 4 course meal, you know you didn’t just throw money at it, but you fought for that overpriced Pistachio Crusted Salmon Filet. And you earned it to yourself.
I guess I’m missing the diva part of my directions. Probably because the ‘diva’ part comes after you were dirt-poor and disheveled. Once you hit rock bottom with a cupcake in your mouth, the only way you can go is up. And once you get up, you’ll fly.