— All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
— In the ‘60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now people take Prozac to make it normal.
— How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
— Do illiterate people buy Alphabet Soup?
— Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
— Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
— Who was the first person to watch a chicken lay an egg and say, “You know, I think I’ll eat that thing.”
— Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
— Life is sexually transmitted.
— There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
— The easiest way to find something you lose is to buy a replacement.
— You only need two tools in life — WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
— Why do banks charge an insufficient funds fee on money they already know you don’t have?
— If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
— To avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetable.
— To avoid sleeping through the snooze alarms, place a mousetrap on the clock.
— Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
— One good turn gets most of the blanket.
— The best cough medicine is a good laxative. (Think about that one a moment.)
— Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
— To impress a woman, compliment, respect, honor, cuddle, love and comfort her.
— To impress a man, bring pizza and a six-pack.
— Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic?”
— The most common craving among women during preganancy is for their husbands to be carrying the baby.
— It’s obvious light travels faster than sound. That’s why so many people appear bright until you hear them speak.
— If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?<!--EndFragment-->