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June 07, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas says that Mel Gibson tried to get him to try his personal enema machine. But much like the Holocaust, Mel Gibson denied this ever happened.

Despite its recent bailout, Greece is warning it might run out of money as soon as July. The government's approval rating remains high however, thanks to its recent "Everybody Gets a Ferrari Full of Horses" Initiative.

Mitt Romney’s personal email may have been broken into by a hacker who answered the security question, “What is your favorite pet?” Not too tricky since the answer was either "the one I strapped to my car" or "the one who cuts my grass."

Actress Amanda Bynes asked President Obama on Twitter to “fire the cop who arrested me [for a DUI].” Though if Bynes really wanted the cop to be without a job, she would've asked Obama to offer him a work in his administration in January.

Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus are engaged. Miley Cyrus's father said it was the most beautiful moment he's ever seen through binoculars.

The passwords of 6.5 million LinkedIn users were reportedly posted on a Russian hacker website. The same site also contains the passwords of the last five people on MySpace.

Barbara Walters apologized for offering job assistance to one of Syrian President Bashar Assad's aides in return for an interview with Assad. Nice try getting back on "The View," Star Jones.

"Fahrenheit 451" author Ray Bradbury died Wednesday in Los Angeles. He will always be remembered as that guy who didn't write books that made good movies.

Bill Clinton said temporarily extending the Bush tax cuts is “probably the best thing to do right now.” Said the former president, "I'm in favor of Bush cuts in general! Wahow!"

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker beat unions' efforts to recall him. He'll celebrate by relaxing this weekend, which he has off thanks to unions.

In related news, Walker's Democratic challenger, Mayor Tom Barrett, was slapped by a supporter after his concession speech. Bringing his total number of slaps in the face to two: one from that woman, one from President Obama.

A man dressed like Spider-Man staged a fight with muggers for his girlfriend then proposed to her. Everything went well until the Green Goblin killed her.

Donald Trump said Miss Pennsylvania will be sued for calling the Miss Universe Organization “fraudulent” and “trashy’’ online. If only she were more like Miss Arkansas, who just got dial-up.