If you haven't noticed by the countless lists that have filled the internet, 2010 is coming to a close. And the majority of them count down stuff like "the best songs of the year," "the biggest scandals," and so on and so forth. And that's great. It is. I'm happy for the already famous singers to be celebrated in list form.
But what about the things WE ALL DID? This list is for you, America. Here's what we did together:
1. Took an opinion on the Ground Zero Mosque only to lose interest after all jokes had been made and then not find out what the resolution was.
2. Tried to explain to someone how great it was when a man's sister was almost raped but that it was okay because he was auto-tuned.
3. Tried to explain to someone how great it was when a guy saw two rainbows.
4. Inexplicably supported an already famous old woman until she became the host of SNL. Then, forgot about said old woman because we all felt we'd done the world a favor.
5. Attempted to type Eyjafjallajökull, only to realize it's much easier to ignore Iceland altogether.
6. Said "You know what's cooler than a million dollars? A billion dollars." Even though that line was never in the movie we thought we were quoting.
7. Mercilessly mocked an instrument that's an important part of South African culture simply because it made a funny noise.
8. Became fascinated with a squat, pickle-enthusiast from New Jersey who achieved fame after being punched in the face.
9. Listened to a former A-List actor's recorded phone conversations and felt much better about ourselves in the process - simply because we're all (every one of us) a much better person than he is. Then completely negated our moral standing when we said, "Yeah, but I'll still watch Braveheart when it's on."
10. Turned on one man who did everything he could to keep his job as a talk-show host.
11. Gave endless support to the more deserving man who did the same.
12. Mocked a chaste woman who thought that running for public office would give her the opportunity to do good for the country.
Wow, when you think about it, we're all a bunch of jerks. Whatever. I regret nothing.