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August 02, 2010

Just remember...someone is ALWAYS watching!!!

You just can’t tell me that there is one person in this world who has not attempted to extract a dried, excess piece of foreign material from their nostril. I just wouldn’t believe you. It is not as disgusting as some things, but more disgusting than, say, extracting the same foreign material from that little membrane at the inner corner of your eyeball...you know, that little round, wet thing that seems to be a catch-all just like a nostril. You’re forgiven if you do that in public. People may look at you oddly though, like, ‘God, that is disgusting. Please don’t do that while we are speaking face to face. It’s offputting.’ Most people, well almost all women would never ever ever pull a foreign object out of their nose in public. If one were caught doing it, it would be in her car, for example, sticking her head back to apply mascara in the rearview mirror only to discover a ‘bat near the entrance to the cave.’ With a quick glance left and right, she might take her pinky finger and attempt a quick grab and pull. She would never ever ever re-ingest this foreign bit (if she were in public). And, that would be the end of it with a quick flick out the car window. Of course, the bum on the corner saw the whole thing, but he’s got bigger fish to fry. I would describe the same experience only substituting a man for a woman, but the disgusting factor on this meter does indeed trigger my gag reflex because all the bodily wrongdoings like scab picking or armpit sniffing, etc. do indeed make me quasi-nauseous. Let’s move on to another subtopic - let’s see, hmmmm. oh, I know - Bad breath. There really are people who have the condition that goes beyond mere halitosis...it’s an odor that can knock you backwards when they come in for a cheek buzz or to whisper something in your ear. But, unlike ‘bat extraction,’ they can’t help it. The people who can help it sometimes either don’t care (men) or aren’t thoughtful enough to pop a TicTac in their mouths before close contact with other people. We’ve all tried the breath test on ourselves to determine where ours falls between 1 and 10. You know, the palm to the mouth, a deep breath out into the cupped hand with a quick sniff in through the nostrils. This exercise usually has to be done more than once, especially if one is out in the wind. And, then we get a quizzical look on our faces because we think we’re about a 4 or 5 but can’t decide if that’s beyond the pale. It is. Keep mints in your purse. The last category I must mention is, for women, pulling the panties out from between the cheeks and for men, repositioning the ‘package.’ Now, I know what’s in the package, but I’m still confused when I see them do this, and of course, they don’t care who sees them do this. Where exactly are they putting all that? And, ladies, please stand against a wall or fence while pulling the panties out. I am embarrassed to see it and to do it, but I know that sometimes we just have to do it. Panty makers have not been able to solve this particular problem. Just, please don’t put your hands anywhere near your mouth after this activity. People won’t want to get to know you better...or at all. Bottom line...don’t get caught in the act! KK ******************************************** I once woke up from a nap and came into the living room to find the man I was living with jacking off in his favorite leather chair. I’m sorry but I was shocked. Maybe some women don’t mind and even request that their honey do this in front of them but I would rather not be a witness to such a personal form of self-satisfaction. I think men like watching women perform the same activity but for me, that would be like eating Lobster Thermador while being watched by a starving pelican. No. The above mentioned man I lived with demanded that WE quit smoking. I was able to do this for a while until I realized that I hated him, and went directly to the 7/11 for some yellow Spirit Lights. I was able to hide my secret smoking from him for months. This involved volunteering to go to the magazine stand and Starbuck’s every morning so I could grab a toke in the parking lot. After two fast cigs that had me dizzy from inhaling down to my navel, I ran Estee Lauder White Shoulders through my hair, face and hands, and then across whatever blouse I had on. A spritz of Jean Nate After-Shower Body Spray and five Tic Tacs later and I was back with the goods. It was a workout. He suspected but was never able to catch me. My final day with him was celebrated with a puff of smoke directly into his handsome, asshole face. So there. I often hide from KK when I eat pork rinds. I love them. She can’t even stand the smell of them and equates them to causing me to fall into a state of tacky, southern tastelessness. Oh, come on, I can’t be the only one who loves them, especially the spicy ones. She should just be glad I don’t eat pig’s feet. There’s always something to be thankful for, SalGal