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June 16, 2009


From the ASK NICOLE series at www.toromagazine.com

Hi Nicole. I’m only 17 and wuz hopin’ u could give me some advise on anything really ... how bout life?
Ur really funni n hot.
– Tyrell Marshall

Hey Tyrell, thanks for the message, first “word” of advice is “grammar” ... that is it. I’m kidding, here’s a list, if you will, of “Stuff Things Have Taught Me.” Hope the lessons people have shared with me over the years help you get learned.

Racism taught me never to look a black man in the eye or I’ll get pregnant.

E. coli taught me that even though you can die from it, you look really skinny after, and that is awesome. Seriously, I’ve had E. coli twice, and after fluid from all parts of my body ceased to excrete, I totally looked photo shoot ready.

Indians, and I don’t mean the Cleveland baseball team, although I really like the tomahawk chop, oh wait that’s the Braves, oh well, close enough. Anyways, they taught me that if you freeze mouthwash, the alcohol separates and you can drink it.

Meanness at a grade-four level, plus logic, plus fat people taught me it’s OK to taunt them for their “glandular problem” because you can run away, and they’ll never catch you. It’s like when Frankenstein chases people ... he goes slow all the time! Ha ha Frankenstein! I totally never noticed that he’s a Jewish monster before today!

Speaking of ... Jews taught me not to make Jew jokes because they run my industry, oh and they’ll kill your saviour if you piss them off.
(Just kidding, love you Jews, mazel tov!)
((I think they bought it!))

Bull dykes taught me that buzz cuts aren't just for the army. I’m scared of dykes. I am. Not lesbians, I’m OK with those, it’s the dykes that scare me. They look at me like they are raping me with their eyes ... and getting raped by a dyke is my #1 fear in life.

Expired milk taught me don’t drink it even if you’re stoned, er, I mean drunk, because you’ll puke a lot. Well didn’t I just get excited and mess up the tense I was typing in, yes I did! Stay in school, don’t do drugs.

Police tape has taught me to read it because if the side you're on doesn’t say anything, that means you were just involved in a crime. Ah!

And finally....

Jesus taught me that sandals are cool all year round. Yup, that’s all I really got from him.

Thanks for writing Tyrell!

Keep laughin,
Nicole xo