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Stats & Data

October 25, 2011

Dear Listerine,

This letter in intended for whoever writes the scripts for your television commercials which broadcast on HallMark channel and possibly other channels (I only watch HallMark). In said commercials, you employ a very prudent modifier in describing how Listerine “defends against THE GUM DISEASE gingivitis.” Thank you for specifying that you mean the gum disease gingivitis, and not one of the many other associations people might have for that word.

The Musical “Gingivitis” - Here in my home town of Dublin, Ireland, the local theater is putting on a play celebrating our island’s vibrant “ginger-kid life”, a term which translates into Latin as “gingivitis”. The fully original play features famous ginger actress Kate Walsh (Desperate Housewives, Tales from the Crypt) who is starring as Lara Croft (Warning: It WILL feel a lot like “Tomb Raider”). Music is written by Rick Astly (sorry) and I hear Carrot top will be performing live AT&T commercials during intermission!

The Documentary Gingivitis - I know that a documentary is currently being filmed titled Gingivitis - a film which explores central role that Ginger Spice played in the infamous dissolution of pop/rock/terrible music group “The Spice Girls”. While Ginger is certainly the focus of the film, it does point out how all parties played a role in the break up. You see, while Scary, Baby, Posh, and Sporty all wanted to get with Ginger’s future, they were entirely unwilling to forget her past. Ginger on the other just really really really wanted to zigizig HA - a destructive addiction that became too much for the band to shoulder. I think this will be a very important documentary, one that makes the audience consider how taking is too easy - but that’s the way it is.

The Person Gingivitis - My name is Gingivitis (Greek). Having an unusual name is never easy, but having one so closely associated with a disease is even harder. Just ask my brother, Paulio.

With respect to this last point, I am especially appreciative that you specified which gingivitis you are referring to - as I would not want people thinking that Listerine might defend against me. I’m not exactly popular here in the Ireland (I’m a Potato Famine reenactor) and if people thought they could get rid of me by throwing Listerine in my direction, they just might try it. I consider your commercials solely responsible for eliminating this threat.

From the cast of “Gingivitis”, the Gingivitis production team, and me, Gingivitis, we say thank you for clearing up any potential confusion.

Yours truly,