Baton Rouge, LA - William Ayers, 37, from Baton Rouge, Louisiana has had a lot of time to himself as of late. "My life used to be a blast," said Ayers, "my pals and I used to go fishing, we'd go to the arcade, we'd do the mini-golf. Now nobody will even return my calls."
Ayers blames the drop off on the William Ayers from Chicago, who was once a domestic terrorist and whose association with Barack Obama is now central to John McCain's presidential campaign. "People hear the name William Ayers, and everyone immediately thinks 'terrorist'. I'm not a terrorist, I decorate cakes!"
Ayers recently purchased Rock Band 2 for his Xbox 360, but sadly, he's never played it in full band mode. "I had to sell my see-saw too," said Ayers, "I used to love to play on that thing, but now it's no more than just an uncomfortable seat."
Ayers recently launched a counter attack to the robocalls the McCain campaign has been making to members of his community. "Basically, I've just been calling people and I just tell em, 'Hey, it's me Bill Ayers, no I'm not the Bill Ayers from the politics, I live at 435 Chestnut St. and I recently bought Rock Band 2 and a lot of snacks. I also have an extensive DVD collection and a bocce ball set if you'd like to come over and hang out."
I had to end my interview with Ayers early, as he started to creep me out. "Come on man, just stay for a little while longer," said Ayers. "I've got nothing, I've got no friends, my dog ran away. Where are you going? Can I come? Please just stay. Just do one mad lib with me. Just one? Just give me an adjective, a noun! Anything! Oh fuck it."