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May 05, 2017

Move over, Dr. Oz! This recipe is sure to terrorize toxins!

Move over, Dr. Oz! This cleanse will really knock those toxins out of your system. Take the following ingredients and mix them in a blender. We prefer to add some ice as well on hot days so feel free to tailor the recipe for the season.


Lemon has lots of vitamin C, which allows your immune system to fight toxins. Vitamin C by itself won’t make you shit like crazy, though, so be sure to add in all the stuff below.


Kale is loaded with non-toxin nutrients and is full of powerful anti-oxidants. Oxidants, like the gas oxygen, are dangerous toxins. Unfortunately, despite being a super-food, Kale is probably not going to make you shit all that violently.


Dried fruits like prunes are loaded with fiber, which helps you to cleanse toxins from your colon.


Polyethylene glycol is a safe, powerful laxative that really helps you shit those toxins out.


Ethylene glycol is a main ingredient of antifreeze and it will fuck up your kidneys. There are lots of toxins hiding in your blood so doing irreversible damage to your kidneys is a good way to start peeing out lots of toxin-filled blood, often uncontrollably.


Shigella is an commonly found bacteria that causes dysentery and will make you shit out lots of toxin-filled diarrhea and probably some blood too. You’ll be on the toilet for days with massive amounts of bloody diarrhea.

Penny-pinching tip: ordering Shigella cultures from industrial medical research suppliers can get expensive, so our preferred method is just to find a baby with explosive diarrhea and put their dirty diapers in the blender.


Honey has natural anti-toxin properties. Plus, it adds a little sweetness.