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Published January 25, 2012

 

Dear Potential Client,
 
Thank you for your interest in advertising with TLC!
 
 Let me tell you a little bit about our programming.
 
TLC stands for THE LEARNING CHANNEL but lately we've thought about just renaming it The "Remember that weird kid in your class? Well, now they have a show" Channel because that's pretty much what our programming is made up of.

Our network is specifically geared toward women. Our programming reflects that mission because it either makes you feel better about yourself 
-or it's about cake.
Cake Boss, The Next Great Baker, DC Cupcakes, Fabulous Cakes and Kitchen Boss- that's FIVE FUCKING SHOWS ABOUT CAKE! Are you excited yet!?
 
We have all kinds of shows designed to make you feel better about your life. 
For those of you who want to stare but don't wanna be rude and kind of wanna get an idea of how midgets have sex, we have not one, but two shows about little people. We have our hit Little People, Big World 
which chronicles the everyday lives of a "little" married couple who live on a farm with their family. We get to watch while they do things like open jars, drive cars and climb up on chairs. The dad's an alcoholic, so it'll be interesting to see how that pans out. But, if that show becomes overwhelming and you just want to see little people doing stuff not on a farm, then we have The Little Couple 
which focuses on another "little" couple who live in a city- pretty much doing the same stuff as the other couple only with higher education, one of them's a doctor. That's right, we want to show you that if a little person can become a doctor, then there's no excuse for you to not finish your online nursing degree.
 
We also have A LOT of shows about sex designed to make you feel better about your sex life. 
 
We have 19 Kids and Counting which we air to make you feel less stressed out by your three children because Michelle Duggar has 20. We ask her and her husband everything there is to know about raising 20 kids except how huge her vagina is. We're never gonna ask her that, so please stop writing to us.
 
We have A Conception Story so that whatever weirdness you're going through on your road to pregnancy, you don't have to feel alone because our re-en-actors are top of the line. We have tons of wigs to simulate women in all types of fertility-challenging situations.
 
We have I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant which is pretty much produced to make viewers angry at fat people who give birth on toilets.
(Actual cast member in her delivery room)
 
Then we have Strange Sex to make you feel better about the fact that your husband sometimes prefers dudes (actually for that we have Say Yes To The Dress  

Sometimes we'll do a follow up piece with couples from Strange Sex for A Conception Story.
 
Whatever, sometimes weird shit leads to having a baby.
 
And for the happily married couple, we have Sister Wives- this show is here solely to make you feel better about your choice in marital partner. The idea being that even if you hate your husband, at least you can feel "Holier Than Thou" as you judge these women for their choice to share a husband. No they don't have foursomes, yes we've asked. 
And no, we don't know how often Cody has sex with the big one.

 
We also have Kate Plus 8. This show was originally John and Kate plus 8 but one day Kate tried to eat John after sex. 
Now we just focus on Kate. 
It's one of those shows where, as stressed as you are, at least you can watch her and be glad you don't have 8 kids whom you're contractually obligated to take on a shitty vacation twice a year.
 
Then we have our "M H" department of programming. "M H" stands for Mentally Handicapped, as the subjects of these shows tend to be absolutely insane. You'd have to be, otherwise you wouldn't allow yourself to be filmed while eating couch stuffing. Yes, that was an episode of Freaky Eaters. (Dr. Dow and JJ Virgin had to bring in the entire inventory of a Living Spaces to demonstrate to the subject just how much furniture she had eaten in a lifetime)
 Other possible titles for Freaky Eaters included Oh my God, please...Please Don't Eat That , Poor White People Eat the Darndest Things and Black Girls Be Eatin' Toilet Tissue.
 
For the viewer whose weirdness reaches beyond the dinner table, we have a hardcore version of Freaky Eaters called My Strange Addiction which we're thinking of selling to A&E as a series of episodic sequals to Intervention because people are gonna need some kind of vice after they get sober and we'd prefer to see you addicted to squeezing loaves of stale Rye bread rather than shooting heroine. (Legal Note: As of five seconds ago we're officially in production for Rock of Loaf where women compete against each other for a date with a fresh baked Zucchini bread)
 
Here at TLC we want to make our viewer feel good about their life choices and we accomplish that by airing a nightly parade of women who enjoy making love to dryer lint and eating used coffee filters.
 
BUT, if your self esteem still isn't where it should be after viewing midgets, people who sleep with cleaning supplies, women who eat frozen cell phones and fat chicks who give birth on toilets then we have something very special for you.
 
HOARDING: BURIED ALIVE *
*not to be confused with A&Es Hoarders- which is nothing like our show. HUGE difference.
 
HOARDING:                                                           HOARDERS:
    
 
      
Remember that woman who lived down the block for you that used to give out bags of pennies for Halloween? Well now she's on TV!
We air Hoarding: Buried Alive not to warn you about the effects of hoarding (because lets face it, if you're gonna hoard, you're gonna hoard) but really to show you that no matter how many dirty dishes you have piled up, it can't compare to drowning in a house full of your own unopened Tuesday Morning purchases and dead cat heads. Oh and rat feces, there's always plenty of rat feces.
 
A new addition to our line up is Extreme Couponing- which profiles a series of anal retentive mothers on a mission to see who can load up their carts with the most bottles of Pepto Bismol without their ankles snapping. 
 
We follow them on their mission to stock up on everything in the world and squirrel it away in their Y2K bunker in preparation for The Rapture. 
Extreme Couponing is like Hoarders, but with shelves...and more packets of Taco Seasoning.
 
For our lesbian audience we have Police Women of Broward County. Obviously.
 
And, in an effort to further serve our ever expanding spinster audience we have three versions of Say Yes to the Dress. We have the original Say Yes to the Dress which takes place at Kleinfeld's in New York City and for our audience who is uncomfortable with Jewish people, we have Say Yes To The Dress: Atlanta. Sometimes we use women from I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant for our third variation 
Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss. 
Then, for your bitchy gay best friend friend who's sick of watching you watch wedding dresses and cry, we have What Not To Wear where we award someone a brand new wardrobe but only after our style experts publicly castigate and verbally flog them for their initial clothing choices. Whatever you like to wear, our answer for a make over here at TLC is:
 
"...chestnut highlights, knee length skirt, draped neckline, lots of  ruching and remember, toe cleavage is huge. Men won't be attracted to you in a tight shirt, but peep toe shoes? WATCH OUT! Oh, and a cropped jacket- cover that shit up."
 
For our female viewers who actually think they might make it to the alter we haveFour Weddings (We thought about adding "And a funeral" but the TLC producers thought literally adding a funeral segment would only further depress our audience) 
This is a show where four women attend each other's weddings, eat cold Beef Wellington, judge each one anoother's dresses, centerpieces and dessert options and give a rating. The winner gets a honeymoon. We like to remind our female audience that a wedding isn't about love, it's about being better than that other bitch who didn't even have a gluten free option at her pasta bar. Tacky.
 
There's also our newest show, I Cloned My Pet- which profiles 3 complete maniacs in their quest to clone their dead pets. 
We have the Asian guy who used to be in a gang and almost committed suicide then found his puppy and changed his life. 
The New York woman who wasn't stable enough to be in an adult relationship and still depends on her father for all of her emotional support
And a woman serving 10 years of jail time for transporting fire arms across state lines. 
The highlight of the show is when the Asian guy spends a hundred fucking thousand dollars on cloning his dog and travels to South Korea to see it be born (our viewers in poorer areas really love seeing money well spent). After the puppy is born it starts to have heart problems and the vets race to save him. Our lead character looks on with trepidation and says to the camera "I just want my baby back. Nothing in life can prepare you for this" And he's right, nothing in life can prepare you for being addicted to drugs in an all Asian gang, almost killing yourself, finding a stray dog- falling in love with it- having it die, harvesting it for scraps of DNA, mailing that DNA to scientists in South Korea, starting a business solely for the purpose of making enough money so you can pay a hundred fucking thousand dollars over the course of three years so you can fly to South Korea to see a clone of your dog be born and almost die. NOTHING can prepare you for that. Except our show.
 
And of course, for the pedophiles, we have Toddlers & Tiaras- this is a show where the women from A Conception StoryI didn't Know I was Pregnant and My Strange Addiction all get together and make their little girls dress like mini versions of the 
 
girls from our other new show, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and blow kisses at grown men. And before you tell us that we're exploiting children, remember- we have a personality portion of the pageant- it's not just about looks. 
The judges really wanna know if Kait-Lynne's favorite snack is cut up hot dogs and if she likes riding her four wheeler as a hobby. It's these details that determine which child is better.
         
                    .........What the hell is that supposed to be?
 
 
We also have NY Ink. Not sure why.
 
So that's our line up. We pride ourselves in reaching a diverse audience of stay at home moms and bored women on tuesday nights and we look forward to doing business with you.
 
-TLC
 

 

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