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September 20, 2013

Steven Spielberg hates making movies (parody)


Steven Spielberg, acclaimed filmmaker responsible for such titles as “Schindler’s List,” “ET” and “Indiana Jones,” opened up in a tell all interview for some reason with the Toronto Globe and Mail yesterday afternoon.

    "You know, you just work day in and day out and for what? A coupla bucks at the end of the year and another DVD to take up space in your house.” Reclined in his favorite La Z Boy in his Beverly Hills mansion, he buries his face in his hands and mutters, “I’m just sick of the rat race.” 



       This came as a shock to moviegoers around the world who love his films, thinking the man wished to become a director his whole life. Addressing the popular rumor that he simply walked onto a studio lot at a young age and gained access to it acting like he belonged there, Spielberg shakes his head in disgust.

     “I was just trying to sell encyclopedias. That’s what I loved doing. I loved it so much I took a chance and tried to sell to the head of Warners. I knew he had money lying around. The next thing I knew he was saying how much he admired my ‘gall’ and offered me a job. I feel like a slave. I wish I still went door to door selling my books. It’s gotten to the point that every time a Jehovah’s Witness comes knocking on my door I get a hardon.”



       He also comments that he often feels ashamed of his successful career in Hollywood.

    “When other kids were out drinking and partying and having fun in their twenties, I was forced to hang around in the water playing with a fuckin robot shark for stupid ass ‘Jaws.’ It was so embarrassing.” Many were confused at this confession. When asked about his reported love of films and the influence foreign films of great directors such as Fellini and Bergman has had on him, Spielberg waved the notion away callously.

     “That was all my publicist’s idea. She thought it was good for my image to sell the idea that I like watching movies. I never understood it. I don’t speak Italian. Why would I watch a movie in Italian? It doesn’t make any sense.” 



        Spielberg did say, however, that filmmaking isn’t all soul sucking and boring.

    “It’s educational, I guess. When someone pitched me Schindler’s List a few years ago I looked at him and said ‘that fucking happened?” Even though Spielberg says that was the only film he felt it was his duty to make, he still regards it as a “stone cold bummer.” When asked why he doesn’t just stop and pursue his dream of soliciting, the multi millionaire said, “they literally have me on contract for the rest of my life.” A tear rolled down his cheek and he commanded we turn the tape recorder off as he whispered, almost to himself, “making movies sucks.”


                                                                                                                                           By Dan Vallancourt