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October 24, 2010

Ugly and cute babies - let's all do our part to help out.

I've had about enough of parents not doing their job when it comes to raising their baby. Many times I will be on a plane, train, or trolley car and will notice a baby human. Unfortunately, I happen to notice it for all the wrong reasons. Misshapen nose, missing teeth, infant cystic acne....the list goes on and on.

Before people decide to have babies they should have a nice, long discussion about how they intend to raise their children. 

How pretty do you intend to make your baby? It's a simple question.

Is it going to be cute? Pretty? Do you intend to make your baby hot? There's all sorts of possibilities - use your imagination. Don't just mail it in. Your baby's appearence is very important. 

If you're at a loss on how to do this, do not fret. Here are some scientific methods on how to make your baby presentable inside and outside of the vagina:
  1. Eat foods that attractive people eat. If you dont' know what these are, pick up a People magainze or US Weekly. These foods tend to be bottled water, Starbucks, and anything at an Absolut-sponsored Hollywood bash.
  2. While still inside the lady, the baby doesn't do anything but get fatter. Try and jump around to move it's lazy ass.
  3. Ultrasounds are pictures of your baby inside the vagina. Get a lot of them done so they get used to being on camera. This will make them more photogenic when they get out.
  4. Start a MySpace page for your baby and get as many friends as you can. People tend to think the more popular you are, the prettier you are.
  5. Model your baby after stylish celebrities. If it's a boy, have your baby go shirtless and photograph him cycling with Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. If it's a girl, shave her head and give her an umbrella. Also take away her two children.
  6. Baby botox. Get ahead of the wrinkles before they get a-HEAD of you!
  7. Tatoos. Remember, you don't need to be "cookie-cutter" and make your baby look like "mainstream" stars. Be an individual and make your baby look like a gangsta with a heart of gold or perhaps a fun-loving, zest-for-life rocker. Give your baby a teardrop tattoo on his cheek, perhaps.
  8. Hide your babie's diaper. It's not fun to see on Nanna and it's not fun to see on your baby. Perhaps a nice thong.
  9. Photograph your baby with uglier babies. This will make him/her look good and it will make the ugly babies feel good because they're around someone good looking.
  10. If nothing can be done, use a mask.

The list can go on and on! So my advice to you is this - when you see an ugly baby wandering around the street, pick that baby up and yell at the parents. Then hand them some eyeliner and give the baby a perm. I think we'll ALL thank you for it later.