If you’re anything like me, you’re young, well-educated, entitled, productive while apathetic, recovering from a cold, depressed that the Chicago Bears season is going down the toilet, generally happy with your physique, kind of sleepy, wondering why so many politicians look like rejected Muppets, white, and currently living in California. To us—the common man—voting can be a daunting experience, one which sucks nearly every morsel of our cognitive willpower. But because we know it’s fucking important or whatever, we do it.
This year, to help make the experience more tolerable, I’ve put together a short list of pointers to help you make your way from the couch, to the car, through the McDonald’s drive-thru, and to the polling place… and back to the couch.
- Voting at the Hot Spot
One good way to get yourself out of the house/office is to create unrealistic expectations for the polling place. We do this nearly every weekend when going out to bars or parties, so why not extend the same mentality to this election? Just think to yourself, There are going to be so many single girls/guys at this polling place. Hot ones, too. Plus, I heard it’s never that crowded, so it’s easy to get a voting booth. Voting won’t be much different than your typical Friday night, but at least it costs less and you won’t wake up hungover (probably).
Feeling self-important while voting is paramount for keeping morale up. Unfortunately, you don’t know shit about shit when it comes to politics. Use this to your advantage. Since you don’t know which way to vote on any ballot measure or candidate, just consider yourself a non-partisan voter. If anyone asks about your political viewpoint, answer “I don’t vote along party lines” and then bury your nose in The New Yorker. If you don’t have an issue of The New Yorker available (you don’t), then pull out your smart phone (you have one, plus an app that makes fart noises) and say, “Pardon me, but I have to read The New Yorker”. Refrain from opening your fart app.
- So Many Boxes
The act of voting might be the most excruciating aspect of this entire endeavor. Ease this burden by using tactics you utilized in high school. One method is to simply pick a column and go straight down. There’s a fifty percent chance you’ll mark the box you actually wanted, which isn’t bad.
Alternatively, there’s always cheating. Find a person at the polling place that resembles yourself (see description in first paragraph) and make sure to get a voting booth next to him or her. Use discretion while peeking at their answers and, if you’re so inclined, give them some free pot in the parking lot afterwards. But beware; your offer may prompt a conversation about Proposition 19, which you know nothing about. If this happens, ditch the pot and run.
Lastly—and this strategy is only viable to the most motivated of slackers—you can make an informed decision by taking twenty minutes to read through the General Election Guide while on the shitter. Just like all of us, you have received somewhere between two and eight of these guides addressed to former tenants of your apartment, so there’s no reason you can’t read one before you discard it to the stack of phone books you also have no use for. Seriously, you can handle this. Plus, it’ll totally be worth it when you can shed some political knowledge on the hottie trying to cheat on you at the voting booth.
My name is t.j. and I vote for voting.