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June 21, 2016

We learn to live without Chad and search for a new guy to hate while JoJo deals with her ex blabbing to the tabloids on this week's 'Bachelorette'!

Below is a recap from The Bachelorette episode from 6-20-16, the one where they go to Uruguay. Spoilers, obviously.

Ok, that felt like a long break, but after a week off, we’re back. You remember where we left it, with Chad being sent home and then creeping through the woods to murder the other bachelors. Let’s see how crazy he gets before we have to suffer a boring Chadless existence.

1. Chad’s Protein Powder Funeral

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This might be the funniest thing that’s ever happened on this show. With the news of Chad’s elimination, the other dudes have a “funeral” for him. They toss handfuls of protein powder off the deck like his ashes as Wells eulogizes him by saying he’s the worst dude to ever live. A hilarious send off to a hilarious anger filled narcissist. Chad, you made us laugh, you scared us, you turned us on. You will be missed while we sit through these boring bo-bo Chad’s, but waiiiiiiiiit…


Chad is back at the house!!!

2. Chad Thinks He Had a Great Date

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When a guy is backed into a corner, he has to punch other guys. - Chad

Chad knocks on the door of the bachelor house and the dudes inside seem genuinely scared. After all, they did just host his funeral. Chad is doing his hilarious Chad thing where he seems completely unaware of reality and perceives things like he lives in crazy land. Jordan steps up and apologizes to Chad if he felt misunderstood. He says he’s sorry if anything came off like they didn’t understand him (I can think of one thing - that time you tossed his protein powder off the deck during his mock funeral). He shakes Chad’s hand, but Chad doesn’t give a fuck and tells him he would say everything he said the same way. Jordan tries to laugh it off and insult Chad by remarking that Chad works out by himself. That’s not an insult, QB. Then Pretty QB wants to shake Chad’s hand FOR THE SECOND TIME and Chad refuses. Chad already shook your hand, Pretty QB. Step off and apologize for throwing perfectly good protein powder into the woods. It was weird and pathetic and Pretty QB doesn’t inspire me to want to be on his side.

Speaking of not on your side, Evan chimes in to ask for money for his shirt. REMEMBER WHEN EVAN’S SHIRT GOT RIPPED? Not really, because no one cares Evan. Go home so you can buy a new shirt. Go home so we don’t have to see you anymore.

Chad takes off after that and it’s not really clear why he came back to the house in the first place. Maybe because he wanted to beat Alex up? Or maybe because he knew his fans needed one more bit of Chad. An encore just for us. Farewell crazy Chad! Looking forward to seeing you on the reunion.

3. Canadian Vampire is Too Hot For This Show

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“Obviously my personality is shit” - Canadian Vampire

Finally we get to the rose ceremony (where everyone is STILL talking about Chad) and JoJo keeps a bunch of dudes that I think we could have cut weeks ago. (Looking at you Fireman, Wells, Vinny…EVAN!) But fine, take them to Uruguay.

Canadian Vampire doesn’t get a rose and he feels ok with it because he thinks JoJo is eliminating people based on personality. Because if it was about looks he would stay. He straight up said that. He does have a nice body, I guess? If you like pale vampires with muscles? Was that a Canadian thing to admit that even you don’t like your own personality. Here’s your first clue that you have a shitty personality, Canada - Chad is your best friend in the house.

JoJo also cuts some dude named James who read her a poem he wrote for her like five minutes ago. It was more like an elementary school greeting card rhyme, but kudos for sharing your heart. Pro tip - read that poem six weeks ago. Other dudes are telling her they love her already and you’re just now sharing a poem? We don’t even know your name, bro. Too little too late.

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Hi, I’m James. I’ve been here the whole time.

4. Oh, Alex Sucks

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Does this guy ever SHUT UP??

When Chad was running around being the asshole of the group, the other assholes seemed like non-assholes. Now that he’s gone, the other assholes are all shiny and bright and available to see. One of the brightest assholes is Alex. He’s good looking in an annoying way which is also how I feel about his personality. He seems like he is running for Class President and even though everyone thinks he is a piece of shit, he’s the only one trying to do something so I guess we’ll all vote for him and he’ll win. But he should know that we don’t like him and we don’t want to invite him to any of our parties. He seems like he has a problem with everyone. He’s a little shit and I can’t wait for JoJo to get rid of him.

5. Jordan Was Mean to His Ex

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I can’t make up my mind on Jordan. Obviously handsome and impressive that he played football, but what does he have beyond that? Good hair? Is that enough? It’s very good! One person who doesn’t like him is Alex so that gives me one reason to like him. As the distraction of Chad fades away, I’m realizing I don’t like any of these dudes.

Jordan and JoJo swim with seals and then settle in for a romantic dinner. JoJo brings up some stories she heard about Jordan from an ex of his. He seems pissed. He takes a big drink before he can answer her and he can’t look her in the eyes. But then he owns up to being a shitty football playing kid who wasn’t a great boyfriend. They seem to talk it out and get to a better place which actually makes them look like the closest thing to a real relationship in the house. They just got annoyed with each other and had to work through it. That’s real life. Life isn’t all swimming with seals and making out in front of fireworks! Life is annoying and what the fuck.

6. Chad is Back! (Different Chad!)

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“Guys love gossip.” - Vinny

Vinny, our resident barber, gives haircuts to some of the dudes. So far, I’m on board. Then the guys notice some tabloid magazines in Vinny’s “barbershop” and there happens to be a story about JoJo inside. The guys read an article where JoJo’s ex boyfriend claims that she is just doing the show for publicity. Which is dumb for a lot of reasons but number one - publicity for what? Number two - this is a TABLOID MAGAZINE! Why are they taking this as serious as a Charlie Rose interview? Three - Where did these magazines come from? Oh, it’s great producing.

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At the same time, more great producing happens JoJo is handed the same magazine and she, rightfully, gets so upset. After crying it out, she heads to the guys’ room to tell them that her ex is a shithead and she hopes this article didn’t scare them off. Of course none of them are scared off and they rush to hug their crying princess. Again, great producing. Beginning, middle and end. Conflict and emotion. Great job.

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7. Derek Gets a Pity Rose

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The dudes all meet up with JoJo for a group date which is mostly boring except that they all went sand surfing!! This looks cool and hard and most of the guys seem to be having a good time, even when falling down. Who is having the hardest time? Fucking Evan. Does anyone know how I can get my hands on footage of Evan eating it while sand surfing? I think that would make an incredible super cut.

Derek, remember him from the first one-on-one, is getting pretty jealous during the group date and he tells JoJo as much. They reconnect so she gives him the group date rose to reassure him. Regina George (Alex) takes issue with that and everything else. Why is reassurance not a good reason to get a rose? This guy is a piece of shit and it’s really starting to seem like high school amongst the dudes. Later, Derek pulls the high-schooliest of the bunch outside to tell them that they seem like a high school clique. Aye. High school cliques do not understand that they shouldn’t be acting like highschool cliques, that’s why they created their adult high school clique in the first place. This conversation goes nowhere.

8. Robby Loves JoJo

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Let’s jump off stuff!

Robby goes on the next one-on-one with JoJo where they eat a food truck and take a walk. Kinda low key, until Robby has the great idea to jump off a cliff! What?! Spontaneous cliff jumping? How deep is it? What’s the temperature of the water? Was this planned? Is this an approved location? You can’t just jump off a cliff, right?

Wrong. You can. And they did. Robby stripped down to his neon underwear (or bathing suit?) and convinces JoJo to jump in the water with him. She feels safe because he is an Olympic Swimmer. Is he also a Cliffologist because how does he know this is safe? He can’t swim your head back together if you crack it open on a rock.

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“I’m here for one reason. To find love and you.” - Robby telling JoJo two reasons he is here

9. Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye Evan!

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Hope you don’t get a bloody nose on the plane home!

Evan does not get a rose. He does not pass go. He is going home. BYEEEEEEEEE!!!

Also Grant and Vinny don’t get roses. The only people surprised by this are Grant and Vinny.

10. Luke Has Hot Side Boob

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Nice tits

If you managed to stay tuned through the credits, we were treated to a bonus scene about Luke’s side boob. He does in fact have some of the hottest looking side boob I’ve ever seen.

Well that was an episode. Thankfully we are down to less than ten guys so I might start learning their names. If you miss Chad, he is kicking ass on social media. He’s tagging his posts as #thechadler and is dating Robby’s ex girlfriend. He is America’s favorite hilarious piece of shit. See you next week!