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7 Funny Votes
13 Die Votes
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Published June 20, 2011

Dear Super-Hott Katy Perry & That Spiral Permed Douchebag Kenny G.:?

I was so fuckin' pissed quite disappointed today when I finally got to see your new, super perky, bubble-gum 80's themed music video "Last Friday Night". Now don't get me wrong, there was absolutely NOTHING you did personally wrong Katy, I mean, you were so pettable in your little day-glo outfit which made you look like a smokin'-hot bottle of Maybelline Great Lash Mascara, and that headgear, good god yummy potaotes girl! And please understand that I wasn't disappointed with your ever pleasing tonal qualities with just a little hint of sex-growl at the end of each stanza that makes me feel you're singing sweet-nothing's in my ear, and my ear alone. No, none of that. Here's how you completely crushed my utter soul you bitch hurt my extra brittle feelings today Katy. You chose Kenneth Bruce Gorelick, or better known as his stage name: Kenny G., over me! That dude is done! Time to cut your hair loverboy, sometimes you just have to know when to snip the ponytail and donate it to Locks of Love you selfish sax blower. EFFFFFFF !!!

Did you not see my audition video? I brought the new noise, I brought the cutting-edge-sexy-sounding-sax-sauce, and I slopped it all over your BBQ! Maybe your agent didn't get it in time? That must be what it is, I just know it, because how could you ever pick a mopped-top-skeleton to blow the brass love instrument, when he isn't even as close to being as talented as I? Sure, that must be it ... there's no other explanation. God, I just want to smack those braces straight out your head I feel so crushed, but now that I've talked it out loud to myself, I'm feeling much better. I mean sure, he's been around a long time, and yeah he might be somewhat of an icon, and maybe he can blow a note for 45 minutes straight which got him in the Guinness Book of World Records, but he's definitely no Clarence Clemons who just recently passed, God Rest His Soul ... or me for that matter. Didn't you notice during the filming of the video how "Uncle Kenny" annoyingly blows out the right side of his mouth? Yuck! It's so nasty! It's like he's playing it the way Sherlock Holmes would smoke his pipe, almost like he does it so he can sip his prune juice on the other side, or maybe eat a sandwich without ever having to stop, or like he's suffered a stroke but just won't quit ... YOU FUCKING WEIRDO KENNY G!!

Anyway Katy, that's about all I have to say about this, so when you're ready to get some serious sax action all up in your business in your next music video, give me a call, check out my audition again because I'm sure there's plenty of impressive material in there that will make you all soppin' wet want to cast me. Hope to hear from you soon, and just in case you lost the link to my audition video, here it is ... LINK-TO-BAD-ASS-SAX-BOY

I will forever love you, Hope to hear from you soon,

Jason

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