Dear Baseball Hall of Fame Voters,
Ya fucked up. Yes, Ken Griffey Jr. was successfully elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame yesterday BUT he was not a unanimous selection, and that’s just plain dumb. Apparently three of you voters out there disagree that Jr. is the most skilled, not to mention most likeable, baseball player you have ever had the opportunity to vote into the Hall of Fame. So I’m going to hunt down each of you who didn’t vote for him and pull your pants down.
This is a real threat. I am coming for you. And I will pull your pants down in front of all your friends and it’s gonna be hilarious.
Before we get too deep into this: if you did vote for Griffey, then you’re safe. I’m not gonna touch your pants. You made the right decision and you are not a big sloppy idiot. The only thing I want to do with you is shake your hand and reminisce about Griffey’s perfect swing and effortless grace.
If you didn’t? Ooh baby! No belt notch will be tight enough. No drawstring knot powerful enough. No suspender strap unsnappable enough to withstand the wrath of my itchy pantsin’ hands.
I’ll admit I have a bias. Ken Griffey Jr. is my favorite baseball player of all time. But to be fair, he’s EVERYONE’S favorite baseball player of all time. Saying Griffey is not your favorite baseball player of all time is like saying Norm isn’t your favorite Cheers character. He’s loveable, he’s flawed, he’s infectiously jovial. Fuck you, you’re overthinking it! Norm’s the best and so is Griffey. Down go pants now!
It’s like, what’s even wrong with you? Did you have a bad dad? Oh no, you had a bad dad, didn’t you? And now I feel bad. Did he not let you watch Griffey hit homers? Did he not let you wear your hat backwards? I’m just gonna ask: was he racist? He probably told you no one would ever be better than Ty Cobb didn’t he? Ty Cobb was a racist. That’s a fact.
Bad dad or no bad dad, you’re a baseball writer and you should know better.
So here’s how it’s gonna work. My inside baseball mole (Ken Rosenthal) will inform me which of you 3 pisspants didn’t put Griffey on their ballot. I’ll go to your workplace and pull your pants down so everyone will see your weiner and butt cheeks.
At first I considered just pulling down to the underwear, because no one knows how embarrassing being full nude below the waist is more than me because it happened to me once in the schoolyard when I was playing soccer a bully named Matt pulled down my shorts and underwear and everone saw “it.” But then all I had to do was remember what you did. Which was vote that Ken Griffey Jr. doesn’t deserve to be in the Hall of Fame. Which is just so so ridiculous.
With your pants down and your dingle dangling, you will feel embarrassed, as you should. But I’m not doing this just to embarrass you. I’m doing this to shame some sense into you. Like Cersei Lannister’s shame walk through the streets of King’s Landing, you must be cut down to your core in front of your community before you will realize how you have misused the power society has bestowed on you.
Also it’ll be funny to see you freak out and trip over your pants, squeal and fall trying to run away.
In closing, you 3 Hall of Fame voters that left Ken Griffey Jr. off your ballot, please know that you did this to yourself. You’re disgusting, dumb, and basically rude. So get ready for me to pull your pants down.
Ben “Pants Boy” Wietmarschen