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June 17, 2015
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A city council in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin said that kangaroos do not count as service animals. But I think they aren't aware of all the services animals are able to provide.

The city council of Beaver Dam, Wisconsin voted 14-0 that service animals are defined as either dogs or miniature horses and NOT kangaroos. This ruling follows a February incident where a local woman entered a McDonald’s restaurant with a swaddled baby kangaroo she claimed helped her cope with her emotional distress.

The council also voted that police have the authority to determine if other service animals are appropriate or not.

In other words: shut off the music, turn on the lights, the party is over.

Why even try anymore? If I can’t live in a country where every state lets me parade around the adorable animal of my choice to help me feel better, then what’s the point? I’m not shitting on dogs and small horses but there is a limit to how much they can comfort me.There are some distresses that only very specific baby animals can help ease that the Beaver Dam City Council is blatantly denying.

I simply need a sweet tiny serpent to wrap around me while I’m at out at the club. It makes me look intimidating and sexy all at once. That’s the service it’s providing and I won’t be seen without it!

And how could a labrador retriever help reassure me that all the squirrels in the park aren’t talking behind my back? It can’t! Only a docile baby squirrel would be able to console me or let me know what the other, stupid squirrels are even saying.

Or what am I supposed to do without my infant parrot that I’ve trained to squawk compliments at me throughout the entire day? I can’t get through work without him reminding me how impressive my WPM rate is. I need that.

And damnit, I’ll have a baby kangaroo join me at McDonald’s because it’s the only animal I’m pretty sure they don’t serve there or at any of their locations around the world. So, I’m sorry Beaver Dam, Wisconsin, but me and my menagerie of adorable baby animals I employ to help me cope with the big bad world isn’t going anywhere.

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