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Stats & Data

June 12, 2013

"Come and get it" the billboards yell. Come and get what? Well this investigative reporter did a little digging and was disturbed by what I found.

The commercials are running constantly. Proclaiming that New Jersey is stronger than the storm. That may be true, but anyone who has recently driven the Jersey Coast will tell you that there are beach towns that are still reeling from the storm.  But let's not forget Sandy was no ordinary storm, and the destruction meted out by it was equally extraordinary. A house that appears untouched is next door to a sand dune that used to be a two story home. So no one can blame New Jersey for being worried about summer tourism dollars. The "stronger than the storm" campaign is very popular. However, this latest "Come and get it" campaign has raised my ire. 
I visited the Parrish of Saint Dorcas of the Inconvenient Miracle to get the opinion of the public. Mary Burly, a Phrenologist from Normandy beach said "I personally think it's cute."
Frankly I was shocked " How can you find an ad, blatantly courting pederasts for tourist dollars, cute?!"
After a long stare where she seemed to get a whiff of some unpleasant odor, Mary replied "I don't think that is what they're doing." Junior Tooly, a local junky and Air Guitar impresario had this to say before nodding off "I feel like I'm walking on sunshine! ... sumabitch..." I finally approached the head of the congregation, Father Hiam Lipschitz, and I asked him how he felt about the fact that New Jersey was turning to child molesters to fill the presumed economic short fall.
"My son please remember the Gospel according to Saint Matthew ' For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.'  Also remember our savior Jesus said 'He that is without sin throw the first stone.'"
To this I said "When it comes to child molestation there are a lot of people who can cast stones! Myself included."
"Well you must have a nice view from your ivory tower!"
"er What do you mean by that?"
"Fuck you, that's what I mean!"
From there I put in a call to the New Jersey Board of Tourism, but they were less forthcoming then the people at the church. "...Hello, I'm a member of the press and I was wondering if you had a comment about the Jersey Shore's Pro-Pederasty Stance?"
"Wait wha?!...No..what are you talking..(click)"
I thought I hit a dead end with this story until I was contacted by Terry "Handsey" Hanrahan, a spokesperson for NAMbLA (North American Man boy Love Association). Handsey was more than happy to discuss the membership's new vacation plans.  "Our members are shaking with anticipation and we can't wait to go down Ah! Get to the shore. I just want to make it official, NAMbLA appreciates New Jersey's attention and acceptance, and we will reciprocate and will show our support when we get there. You hear me, NAMbLA believes that New Jersey is Stronger than the Storm.. as long as its boys are not stronger than our members."
In the end I guess it is up to the people of New Jersey. Which is more important, their young boys or a financial windfall?  If the people from Jersey I have met are the norm then, unfortunately their boys are literally and figuratively screwed. In an unrelated story Time Magazine loses all credibility by raving "The Fast and the Furious is Hollywood's greatest action-movie franchise."