The Garrett Convention - - Coming Soon!!!
by Garrett Kennedy
This fall, on October 7, there will be The Garrett Convention held at Packer Collegiate Institute in Brooklyn Heights. All Garretts are invited and are welcome to participate in the discussion – a focused one – for that’s what Garretts do – focusing on what it means to be a Garrett, what the benefits are, and what blues Garretts go through walking around every day as Garretts.
Registration will begin at 9 AM. No information needs to be provided, and no IDs will be checked. Personally, I will look at you and decide if you truly are a Garrett. If you are, you can proceed into the gymnasium and enjoy chicken wings and raspberry iced tea (a Garrett favorite!) while waiting for the convention to start. Chances are I will know whether you are a Garrett before you even open your mouth, introducing yourself, “Hi, I’m Garrett.” Most likely I will be able to tell by your walk when you enter the building, and respond, “No…your not…I am.” Garrett walks do vary, but all have a unique swagger that only Garretts can pull off. True Garretts cannot catch a fake from miles away – we cannot see that far, and never will be able to. Nevertheless, we can spot the fakes once within our sight. If you are a fake, you will be shown the door – which is odd…Garretts already know where the door is…that they just walked through! The convention begins at 10 AM. Do not be late. Showing up on time is not just general good advice, but true Garretts are never late – yet always fashionable, most likely wearing a hooded sweatshirt, Larry David T-shirt, or button down.
Although debate about rap music is always brought up and made more interesting by Garretts, this convention would like to be more focused on what it means to be a Garrett – so we will briefly blast into why rap music is extremely sub-par right now, but let us Garretts agree to agree on “that” fact and move onto more important topics of the day. The rap music discussion can be debated in more detail during the following week’s convention, Why Do White People Know More About Black People’s Music Than Black People? – They Don’t?
The more focused conversation will entail brief statements by each Garrett on how delicious the chicken wings were, and are. We will continue to eat them during the convention – maybe getting the microphones all saucy – but who cares – rhetorical. Next, we will open up the floor for comments about how we feel today. That will not take much time because the answer is “good” – whether or not that’s true – that’s what Garretts always say to the bullshit question, “How are you?” “Good”…or, should we delve into how we feel a little gassy at the moment, but “feel” it will subside after eating a few more chicken wings and drinking this “here” Guinness? That is what comes next. We simultaneously crack open “The Goodness” and say in unison, “Ahh…That’s a good Guinness.” I do not have to specify we will pour the contents into a pint glass – that goes without saying – but, now I am tongue, or finger-tied – because I just specified. Great lyric! “Somebody write that down.” And, that is a phrase we will use throughout the convention – because Garretts often say “things” that should be written down. I just wrote “that” down, but during the convention I won’t be able to write all the “great” “things” the Garretts say – hence, I need help “writing down.”
Next, we will dissect how people say, without you agreeing, “Let’s agree to disagree.” No, how about you agree to change your opinion, and I will agree to keep mine the same – so we actually agree. Then, we can move forward to more important things - like "spin moves." I have been thinking lately that I need to work on my spin move. No, not the basketball move, my spin move is flawless on the court. I am referring to my everyday, every arena spin move - like when walking down the street, and a mo fo approaches a freckled-soul, and the only way to avoid bumping into them is to - spin move. I would like to dissect other Garretts' spin moves. I will not copy, I assure you. But, if we all put our heads together, I am confident we can all improve our spin moves.
And this leads us into the next topic - resume objectives. All Garretts have as their resume objective: Maintain and Maneuver. What better way to maintain and maneuver than to perfect ones spin move. Other ways to achieve this objective is to at least once a day bring to people's attention that "we are all adults here", a common Garrett phrase that I love to use when substitute teaching at the pre-school level - it levels the playing field - that in a pre-school classroom is "slick" - because either Jimmy or Bobby pissed on the floor. They rotate days. Monday is Jimmy's turn; Tuesday is Bobby's turn, and so forth. And, since "we are all adults" in "there" we can maintain and maneuver, spin moving around the puddles and continue to "pre-school." I also like to yell at the pre-schoolers, "If I see any schooling in here I am going to kick you out of this class!"
Another way, and possibly the best way, to maintain and maneuver is to listen to music. All Garretts love music. All Garretts get the blues - - it's an every other day struggle - I think Biggie said that. I love the blues. I love listening to the blues. I even love singing the blues. But, man am I sure sick of living them. All Garretts admit to their shortcomings. It's not "that" short. Anyways, what better way to deal with ones own blues than listening to old black guys from the 50s sing about their problems. Can Garretts call them black guys? Yes, they can - because that's what they are, or were. It will be interesting to see if any black guys show up to this convention. I have never met a black guy named Garrett -- but, then again, I have never met a black guy. I presently reside in Brooklyn, NY...Brooklyn! Garret Anderson doesn't count. He's a millionaire professional baseball player, but if you’ve noticed, he spells Garrett incorrectly, or simply can't afford the second "T." True Garretts use the double-T. Garret Anderson is welcome to the following week's convention though - which again is - Why Do White People Know More About Black People's Music Than Black People - They Don't?
This is a good time to make it be known that there will be constant bathroom breaks - Garretts have to take many-a-leaks, and let's leave it at that. Garretts don't want to talk about this. Walking to and "fro?" the bathroom will be a good chance to practice those spin moves. And, in the bathroom, the Garretts can all laugh at their usage of the fake hand wash, and then leave the bathroom and seek out a non-Garrett to shake hands with - it's hilarious every other time! Garrett's know when to laugh, and you should have just laughed.
Once back from the bathroom, we will proceed with our "adult conversation", focusing on our constant development of great T-shirt ideas. I will go first - because "I Called It!", and if you object then I will take you to "I Called It Court", the court that decides which kid really called it first, a revolutionary court that has saved elementary school teachers hours, allowing them to focus on "teaching" rather than deciding "who called it" during recess. I wish they had this when I was in 3rd Grade – Nate, you know I called it to be up first in the kick ball game! The next time we play, I am going first! Kids across America are claiming they called it first. If debate over this sparks, one kid may say, "Oh yeah...you think you called it first...my lawyer will be contacting you soon, and I will see you in court."
I have many great T-shirt ideas, as do all Garretts -- but the one I'd like to talk about at this convention is my idea of putting my resume on the front of my T-shirt. First, that is a great way to advertise oneself, and it saves trees...it doesn't? It will have "that" objective: Maintain and Maneuver. Under experience it will convey my extensive "experience" creating first-scene ideas. All Garretts come up with great first-scene ideas. I know we all agree all fields can use somebody that constantly says, "That'd be a great first scene, wouldn't it?" If you don't agree, you're not a Garrett and are just jealous I came up with that first scene. Peep this first scene idea: Couple are eating breakfast at local diner, and the conversation is not flowing - actually nothing is being said. They just stare for about a minute, looking around the diner, the camera providing a couple close-ups of their facial expressions - voided of, of course, this early in the morning. The guy looks down, sees a crumb on the table left by the last customer...And decides to flick it at girlfriend. Then, the sitcom theme song begins, and so does America's next hit show, it doesn't? No, it doesn't...not until "this" first scene guy is hired.
People ask me what I do. They see my walk, and nearly perfected spin move, and are immediately interested in what I "do." I tell them, I "do" much, but I specialize in the creation of first scenes. I don't explain, and then walk away, leaving them flabbergasted - so shocked and amazed they get gas. The rest of what my T-shirt resume entails will be revealed at the convention.
Another T-shirt idea: On the front - I love you. On the back - despite who you are and what you have become.
"Then" - we will take a lunch break, and "then" come back, and I will most likely ask somebody to do lunch the next day. I have never done lunch and would like to try it. Garretts always seek out new adventures. Next, I will offer dessert, most likely chocolate chip cookies, and purposely break one, apologizing, "Oh, I am sorry that one broke. Would you like a whole one? They don't taste the same when they are broken." I am so proud of this observation that I might hold another convention dissecting why cookies taste differently when they break. I have to see how this fits into my schedule though. I am very busy. I also teach How to Jump A Puddle Correctly and With Style 5050 at Columbia University, I don't?
Lunchtime can often spark debates about health, and Garretts may offer one another a multi-vitamin. I will decline because I pet my cat Bob Dylan daily - he's a multi-vitamin. And, this will spark the never-ending discussion about my cat Bob Dylan. Everyone has heard about the legend, but my brother and I are the only ones that get to kick it with him "on the daily." At this point, I will have really started to miss Bob. I will run out of the convention, hop on the R-train, and arrive back in Bay Ridge Brooklyn where Bob more than likely will be doing his afternoon workout routine, sprinting from the living room to bedroom, displaying his perfected spin move. Perfection is not what Garretts strive for. We know everyone is not perfect. Even Bob isn’t – example being – he’s got really strong yet weak hind legs. Strong on the way up, a great vertical…but struggles on the dismount. Kind of like my struggle to dismount this writing – spin move…I will see you at the convention!