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INT. SCOTLAND YARD INTERROGATION ROOM—DAY

DETECTIVE COLIN FIRTH questions BRIDESMAID RACHEL MCADAMS, who's handcuffed to a table, wearing a frilly dress and heels. Her mascara is running as she cries, but she still looks fetching in her sobbing state—perhaps even more so.

DETECTIVE COLIN FIRTH
Do you mean to tell me it was YOU and your bridesmaid buddies who stole Kate Middleton's wedding gown from the exhibit at Buckingham Palace in an Ocean's 11-style heist? For your bride-to-be friend who's dying of cancer? The one who's simultaneously planning her own wedding and funeral?
Who's ALSO named Kate?

BRIDESMAID RACHEL MCADAMS
Yes, I confess! It was a bachelorette party scavenger hunt prank gone wild.       I just didn't expect...to fall in love with you along the way. (beat)
We meant well and totally planned on returning the dress. We just wanted to give our Kate the princess wedding she'd always dreamed of since we were kids. Can you believe that she was born on the day the Princess Diana and Prince Charles got married? No wonder her life has been so cursed! Now she's about to get married without a wedding dress and with her maid of honor trapped behind bars! AND she's dying of cancer!

Albeit in his own withholding British way, Detective Colin Firth looks subtly moved by her testimony.

DETECTIVE COLIN FIRTH
(shaking head)
Master thieves posing as clueless American tourists! And with the help of rogueish petty crook Dominic Cooper, who your other two galpals , Bridesmaid Zoe Saldana and Bridesmaid Krysten Ritter, had a threesome with! My Scotland Yard superiors will have my badge for this. (beat) But it's just as well—I've already lost my integrity in this investigation. I shan't have been surprised at how you stole the dress, considering how you stole my heart!

Bridesmaid Rachel McAdams bawls, beautifully.

DETECTIVE COLIN FIRTH (CONT'D)
Tears aren't the way I hoped to make to make you wet.

CONSTABLE MARK ADDY opens the interrogation room door and interrupts.

CONSTABLE MARK ADDY
Boss, you're not going to believe this! There's a surprise witness who says your girlfriend—um, I mean, the suspect!—is innocent.

KATE MIDDLETON enters, looking ever the model of approachable glamour, holding her Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen wedding gown in a plastic bag marked "Evidence." Bridesmaid Rachel McAdams look stunned.

DETECTIVE COLIN FIRTH
(bowing awkwardly)
Duchess...

KATE MIDDLETON
 (to Bridesmaid Rachel McAdams)
Girl, why didn't you just tell this handsome—and single!—detective that I let you borrow the dress?

Kate gives Bridesmaid Rachel McAdams an elaborately embroidered handkerchief.

KATE MIDDLETON
You better fix your runny make-up, or else you'll look a fright. Now, tut-tut, we've got a wedding to attend!

Bridesmaid Rachel McAdams looks at Detective Colin Firth.

DETECTIVE COLIN FIRTH
(stammering)
You are free to leave...

BRIDESMAID RACHEL MCADAMS
(suddenly spirited)
Oh, I'll leave... On two conditions. One, that you'll be my date to the wedding.

Detective Colin Firth smiles like a sunrise amidst London fog.

DETECTIVE COLIN FIRTH
My tuxedo is at the dry cleaners—I hope my police uniform will do in a pinch. (beat) Oh, and what's the second condition?

BRIDEMAID RACHEL MCADAMS
That you kiss me, you British fool! (beat) And un-handcuff me.

They kiss as he unhandcuffs her.

BRIDESMAID RACHEL MCADAMS
(CONT'D)
Hold on to those handcuffs—we might need them later on tonight!

Kate Middleton, Constable Mark Addy and a previously unseen DISTINGUISHED MAN (60s, wearing a white labcoat) dab their eyes, emotionally moved.

CONSTABLE MARK ADDY
God save the McQueen!

Kate Middleton claps her hands together, stylishly.

KATE MIDDLETON
Come on now, you two! Wills is waiting in the royal helicopter outside!

CONSTABLE MARK ADDY
(whispered, to Detective Colin Firth)
Do you think you could perhaps procure me a pic of Pippa's bare arse for me friend Rupert Murdoch?

 Detective Colin Firth sternly and discreetly kicks Constable Mark Addy in the testes. Constable Mark Addy doubles over, smiling. The group all begin to walk out of the interrogation room when Kate notices the DISTINGUISHED MAN.

BRIDESMAID RACHEL MCADAMS
 (thumbing towards Distinguished Man)
Who's this dude?

KATE MIDDLETON
Oh, that's Doctor Sir Roswell Staples— he's only the world's top cancer surgeon!

BRIDESMAID RACHEL MCADAMS
Sweet! (beat) By the way, could you invite Prince Harry?
My cousin Jenny really wants to shag him.

(FADE OUT)
THE END
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