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RON-A-PAUL-OOZA!

 

Open invitation to the most lukewarm party of the year!


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congressman Ron Paul, the fourth most famous “Ron” in the world, after Weasley, Artest, and Mcdonald, is making the transition from playing an active role in the GOP to throwing a party that will be straight up D-O-P-E.

Paul, 76, says he has come to terms with the fact that he will probably not secure the Republican nomination this year, and is giving up on his dream of being the oldest ever elected President. Instead, he is going to use the approximately $32 million his 2012 campaign has raised so far to throw a sick-ass party.

This is an open invitation to participate in the most ricky-ridiculous, popping-est, gushing-est, fliptastic-est, tubthumping-est party of the year – “RON-A-PAUL-OOZA”! This Saturday, Ron Paul and friends will be hosting the social event at his mansion in Lake Jackson, Texas. A rep for Ron Paul promises that there will be drugs, there will be sex, there will be fire, there will be puking, you will not even remember your name let alone hers by the end of the night. Though as a courtesy please inform staff if you are bringing a plus one.

Despite the fact that he is currently ranking fourth out of four in the GOP delegate race, Ron Paul has yet to drop out, and admits that his plan all along was to ride out his supporters’ tepid enthusiasm as long as he possibly could to raise as much money as possible for this bash.

Paul says he drew the inspiration to throw an off-the-hook jam after watching movies such as “The Project X,” “The Superbad”, and “The American Pie 2.” He’s looking forward to ending a relentless, loveless campaign that has hardly amounted to anything with a night of binge drinking, debauchery, and Brazilian strippers. “For one night, nothing about issues or stances, okay?” said Paul. “The only issues will be ones of “Maxim”, and the only “stances” I will be doing will be off of a keg of Miller Lite.”

Rapper Snoop Dogg recently endorsed Ron Paul for president, because he co-sponsored the States’ Rights to Medical Marijuana Act, and supported the Personal Use of Marijuana by Responsible Adults Act of 2008. Mr. Dogg himself will not be in attendance on Saturday night, as he couldn’t be bothered to be there, but there will be a Snoop Dogg impersonator, Mr. Barry Sandonowitz, in attendance, for shizzle.

“Yes, I have always considered myself a fighter, and this Saturday, we will be going hard til the sun comes up,” said Paul. “Don’t ask me no questions about “Congress”, just pass me the rolled grass.”  

Paul has been happily married for more than 55 years now, and is the father of five children. He says he is looking forward to forgetting about all that responsibility for one epic night.

“For 20 years I worked as an obstetrician, and delivered more than 4,000 babies,” says Paul. “But this weekend, I am going to do the opposite of that, and be the one who puts the baby there in the first place.”  He says he will be proving to all the ladies at the party that things really are bigger in Texas.

Before he gets too wasted or things get too real, how does Ron Paul respond, if at all, to those recently surfaced controversial newsletters attached to his name? Will it tarnish his reputation, or deride his popularity among the African-Americans set to perform hip-hop songs at his shindig?

“I am so not a racist or a homophobe,” he says. “I have a Mexican working the punch bowl, and I spoke on the phone with a gay man in the process of hiring all these Victoria’s Secret models.”

Let’s not forget that isolationism embodies all that America fears. In the words of Eminem, nobody likes to be alone, so get up on the floor and grab somebody. 

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