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March 19, 2015

Last week, the Islamic State accepted Boko Haram into the caliphate. Here is a copy of Boko Haram's application to join the Islamic State.

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(image via Wikipedia)

Last week, Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accepted Boko Haram’s swearing bayat, or allegiance, to the Islamic State. Below is a copy of Boko Haram’s application to join the caliphate.

Application To Join The Islamic State

Thank you for your interest in joining the Islamic State! We pride ourselves on hastening the arrival of the Apocalypse and are eager to hear how you think you can contribute to welcoming the End of Times. We look forward to receiving your application to join our jihad!

Section One: Personal Information

Name: Jama'atu Ahlis Sunna Lidda'awati wal-Jihad

Preferred Nickname: Boko Haram

Address: Northeast Nigeria and parts of Chad, Niger, and Cameroon (but expanding!)

Date of Birth: 2002, Rainy season

Average Beard Length: 13 cm

Section Two: Psychological Profile

1. How do you measure success?
By how much righteous terror we bring to the infidels. Also, number of followers on Twitter.

2. When wearing a vest, do you tend to run toward a building or away from it?
Toward the building, insh’allah! Unless God has other plans for me, which might be nice, I have to admit.

3. Do you sit in your cave more than others, the same as others, or less than others?
The same as others, except young Mamadou, who has been silently weeping in a corner of the cave since we showed him your latest video last week. Nice music track,by the way.

4. Do you hear voices?
All the time! Although that may just be the muezzin.

5. How many wives is too many?

6. If you had unlimited resources to fix any problem in the world, what would you fix?
I would make everyone see that dress is white and gold. Just kidding! Smite the infidels, of course.

7. List your Myers-Briggs results.
INFP. It may be hard to believe, but we’re pretty introverted and flexible. Unless you threaten our values - haha! I know you guys know what we’re talking about.

Section Three: Essays (500 words or less, please!)

1. Why do you want to join the Islamic State and what do you bring to the caliphate?
We here at Boko Haram are looking to expand our access to jihadist opportunities, and joining the Islamic State will help us achieve that goal. Our current partner, al-Qaeda, seems increasingly bureaucratic and stuck in a 20th century mindset. We much prefer the Islamic State’s 12th century approach and the perspectives it brings to bear on issues that are important to us, such as gender disempowerment. Furthermore, al-Qaeda focuses on negative aspirations, namely, destroying the infidel. By contrast, the Islamic State focuses on building a new caliphate through destruction of the infidel. We see an end goal. It’s very refreshing. Also, we think your videos are way slick.

Boko Haram brings years of collective militant experience to the jihadi struggle. Since 2002, we’ve been spreading Wahhabism and threatening the Nigerian government with violence and the implementation of sharia law. We have proven our ability to operate in austere environments and leverage weak state institutions in our favor. We can provide the Islamic State with additional funding streams through enforced tourist stays and our promotion of gentle coerciveness programs supported by AK-47s as a foundational tool for building strong relationships with communities.

We have built a sophisticated hawala network that allows us to transfer funds in an efficient manner. We have also developed strong B2B ties, supporting narco-traffickers throughout West Africa as a means to build and fortify our own smuggling routes and increase revenue streams. We also have access to a lot of sand, which we understand the Islamic State utilizes on a regular basis for benign population control.

We are also building a strong social media presence. While this effort has not been without its challenges—we only have electricity three hours a day and upload speeds can be slow, I mean, you can lead a camel to water, am I right?—but after we fired our intern, Ahmed, for posting a selfie with a kafir (he claims it was spring break in Daytona and should be forgiven), we have developed more rigorous regulations for posting online, when the internet is working that is. We are in Nigeria, after all!

2. Which jihadi, living or martyred, would you like to chew khat with? Why?
No disrespect to Mohammed (Peace be upon Him) and Sheikh bin Laden (PBUH, too), but we pick Saladin, as he seems the truest representative of what we are all trying to achieve. He conquered Jerusalem, after all, and we think that would be a great place to get high on khat. We’re bored with getting high here in Nigeria, so this seems like a good opportunity to expand our horizons. He also conquered Syria, so we figure you guys must really revere him. And we’d be happy to get high in Syria, too.