If you're a guy in your 20s and you have a girlfriend, chances are she's tried to rope you into watching (and talking about) that show Girls on HBO. We know what you're thinking: "Naw dude, that's a chick show" - but don't panic. We’re here to play wingman for all our fellow bros out there with this handy, "for-guys-only" guide to Girls, where we break down each episode in terms even the manliest of dudes can understand.
And if you start to feel self-conscious, we’ve added in some key masculine words and phrases to keep you firmly anchored to your manhood throughout this recap.
Season 3, Episode 4 “Dead Inside”
So it starts off with the main chick going to this office to see her friend or some shit. You almost see up her skirt for a second but then you don’t, which sucks. Anyway, it turns out that the dude she’s going to see, David, her e-book editor, is dead. Entourage Movie. The main chick, Hannah, tells the jacked dude that she’s worried about what’s gonna happen to her e-book and money and stuff now that the guy’s dead, which I respect, but then the jacked dude starts acting all puss about it and telling her she’s being insensitive. CrossFit. The argument seems to blow over for now, but the whole thing definitely forecasts some serious problems for Hannah and Adam’s relationship in the future. Scarface Poster.
All this talk about death gets Jessa (the British chick who seems pretty chill and slutty) thinking about a good friend of hers who'd passed away years earlier. Cargo Shorts. Shoshanna encourages Jessa to get in touch with her dead friend’s mother and visit her grave in order to gain some closure because she can tell that Jessa’s totally not over it. Caddyshack. Jessa tracks down her dead friend only to find that she is still very much alive, having lied to Jessa in order to cut her and her wild, drug-using ways out of her life for good. Borat Impression. Not only is this girl (whose name is “Season” btw - ew) alive and well, she also has a super cute baby, a gorgeous husband and a fabulous two-story brownstone that most people would kill for. Nutshot Fail Compilations.
Okay, soooo…can we talk about Caroline’s wardrobe choices for a second? Business school. I mean, we all knew Adam’s sister was straight up cray-cray on wheels, but BLOOMERS?! Girlfriend looks like she got dressed in the back room of the Goodwill during a power outage, and not in a cute way. Revenge Porn. Cringe-worthy ensemble aside, homegirl does get her shiz together enough to pull a serious fast one on Hannah with a bogus sob story about Adam granting a heartbreaking make-a-wish prom date to his dying cousin, confirming Hannah’s complete lack of empathy when she fails to shed a single tear (unlike sweet, scruffy Laird - we love Laird!). Prank war. And ho-ly shit, what does Ms. Thang Hannah Horvath do next but turn around and tell Adam the EXACT same phony cousin story in a desperate effort to convince him she's not a total heartless monster. This is NOT going to end well. Illegal Online Poker.
And then there’s Marnie…poor, pathetic, hot-mess Marnie. Edward 40-Hands. Betch fools herself into thinking she’s got some semblance of a clue by jogging, juicing and listening to Deepak Chopra, but then spirals right back into her same ol’ delusional narcissism after catching Ray and Hermie (a hiply-dressed - and weirdly hot - Colin Quinn) hate-watching her hilariously sad YouTube cover of Edie Brickell’s “What I Am”. Mar-mar’s insanely delusional response is just too priceless for words: “Fancy people want to work with me, so I'm gonna give them that pleasure and I'm gonna go work with them! So f**k you both, have a nice day, enjoy the rest of the video.” Hope they’re hiring over in Crazytown, sweetie, because that’s clearly where you’re residing these days. Drawing dicks on your buddy’s face with a Sharpie while he’s passed out.
So yeah, if your chick starts nagging you about it or whatever, that's pretty much what happened on that show Girls this week. I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention.